Tourniquet
by Forever01n02
Summary: WIP - Heero has had a hard time fitting into the normal life style he aimed for after the wars. Can he save himself before it's too late?Heero POV, cutting, self-mutilation, disturbing topics
1. chapter one

Title: Tourniquet

Author: forever01n02

E-mail: http: 1x2 and 3x4 although it's not main and I don't know about Wufei e-mail me you're preference if any.

Warnings: Language, Suicide attempt, YAOI, YURI, and a large possibility of HET, can't really think of anything else . . . Oh! Heero POV and some may find certain statments disturbing. Enjoy.

Summery: Heero thinks about how he see's his life, and how hopeless it is. Thinking about what little chance he has with his beloved Duo he tries to put an end to it all.

Tourniquet

Thinking to myself, I wonder what if I was dead? The meaning of life, don't you think it has to be death? I can feel the tears bunch up in my eyes, but I push what I can away and try and empty my head. All I ever wanted was to know that you repeated my feelings. But . . . I suppose luck really is a rare thing. Or maybe everyone is given a jar full of it, and some spend it too fast, before they really need it, you know? My arm is burning again, a feeling I often get when I feel the need to cut myself. It's not that I feel it gives me a feeling of hurting those who have hurt me, just a feeling that at least I have power over something. And why shouldn't I have power over my own death? I have power over everything else I do in life. Besides, the

Blade feels good on my skin.

Pulling the meat knife out from under my mattress I ran it over my cheak, than down my shoulder to dig a deep line down the lower half of my arm. Frowning at the pain I felt I stared down at the blood that was now dripping off of my arm on to the bed. Why am I so weak? In any and all ways, why am I so weak?

I hate myself for being so weak. And I hate everyone else for being so strong, in everyway, I hate them. Except you, for whatever strange reason I praise you. But I hurt you at the same time I know it. And I want to die. I want to die right know as I think. Tons of ways I could kill myself run through my head, only a few am I actually able to pull off with what I have. I know you're just as depressed as me, and I couldn't count how many times I've thought of us killing ourselves together. I wonder if that would disgust you, that I would want something so personal from you.

I wonder if you even think of me unless I'm standing there right in front of you. I'd like to think you do, but a voice in my head reminds me you wouldn't, someone as strong as you wouldn't want to be thinking of me.

I've tried to be strong though, but I seem to fail miserably each time, you know?

Maybe it's because I have such strong trust issues. But trust is a fragile thing, hard enough to make, most likely broken many times in the process, and even harder to maintain. But I've tried to let people, haven't I? They just tend not to put it back together once broken a few times. But what kind of a life is it, if it has no pain, and what kind of life is it when you have no comfort. Joy is a rare coin, a coin that seems to have become brittle and cracked. I wonder will we find the coin, walking up to it, but when we reach for it, will it shatter?

Has my mind shattered? Have I finally pushed myself too far? I know I've always tried so hard to be good enough for people to be able to say that I was good at something. And yet when I look at something I've done I know it's crap, but someone else might see it and say it's wonderful, but that just seems to hurt me more. Especially when you say it to me.

And I lie, I lie straight to you're face, I lie to myself, lie to everyone around me. And I hurt myself even more. Maybe if I just stop stop everything I do, I won't hurt anymore. No, because the past will become my future. Living in the past hurts, living in the future is even more painful, because you don't know, and living in the present, is sad, seeing everything going on around you, and never taking any of it in.

My arm is stinging, burning in a way, I want to find a rope and hang myself. I want you to notice. But at the same time I want you to look away.

I can't handle people caring so much about me I can't handle them wanting to help me, being so nice. I always end up pushing them away, hurting them so as to stop me from hurting myself more. But that never works just adds more pain, knowing I did that hurt you and myself. But I've tried so hard not to hurt you like that, years it's lasted, but I'm becoming paranoid, I'm becoming scared. I can' handle all of this and everything is becoming static in my mind. I suppose I should go to the bathroom and tend to my arm, but I don't feel like it right now. The blood has already seep under my body, through the blankets.

It's strange to see you're own blood, there's so much. Who would have known I could bleed so much? This is the deepest cut I've ever done. Do you suppose that maybe I really will die now? You asked me something today, saying I looked depressed. Were you worried, I wonder? Scared maybe? I lied to you saying I was just tired. I wonder if tomorrow, if I'm

Not there at school with you, will you be sad? I don't want to hurt you, I really don't, but I suppose that's inevitable now, isn't it.

I'm tired now, I think I'll sleep. Yeah, sleep sounds good.

Did you know? Blood is warm, funny, huh?

TBC


	2. chapter two

Chapter Two

I wonder now , if I can just stay asleep like this for a little while longer. Maybe I won't have to wake up . . . But no, I know I'm waking up now, in that strange stage between sleep and consciousness. I realize now why I woke up. The phones ringing, who knows how long now? I wonder who would be calling me?

Maybe the school, wondering why I didn't come to school. Wait, what time is it anyway? Maybe school hasn't even started yet, or maybe it's already ended? blinking my eyes open was pretty hard to do considering there was light pooling in from my window onto my face. But even if school hasn't started yet, I think I'll stay home today. I'm an ex-gundam pilot, I deserve to take a brake when ever the hell I feel like it right?

Adjusting my eyes to the light I focus on my digital clock maybe three feet away on a small dresser. I just stared at it a moment, seeing the numbers but not actually taking them in. It took a few more seconds for the numbers to click. 11:53am. So school had started already, hm? I suppose I'd normally be at lunch right now. But I'm not at all hungry. Actually, that's not surprising. Even when I am at school I normally don't eat at lunch. I'm not anorexic, I'll eat dinner, sometimes a small snack after school. I'm just never hungry in the mornings or at school. You see, I'll eat lunch on the weekends no problem, weird, huh?

The ringing suddenly stopped, and I remembered I had woken up to get the phone. Oh well, too late now. I zoned out and whoever was calling just gave up, like usual. I wonder if you went to school today Duo? Or maybe that was you calling , to see why I wasn't at school? No. I find that very unlikely. But whoever it was, I think really wants to talk to me for some reason, considering the phone is ringing again. Well, I suppose I could answer it.

Getting up to walk over to the phone reminded me of how little water I'd drank in the last couple of days. I almost fell five times making my way over to the phone. But like I said earlier, it's probably attendance at the school.

". . . Hello?" Shit, my voice sound all crackly and strained from sleeping. It's just the same after you've cried for hours though, but that's defiantly not going to be my excuse if they ask . . . not that I think they would.

"Heero, are you okay? You didn't come to school today." No shit Sherlock. That would be why I answered the phone at home. Well, any hopes I might have held of it being Duo were crushed when that voiced answered. It was none other that Relena. I don't hate her or anything. Actually, we used to have a friendship going. But . . . We're just too different. Even if we both wanted the friendship more than anything, I don't think it could work. But Relena didn't seem to agree with these thoughts of mine, considering she liked to cling to me and flirt out in public. She's one of those lost little puppies who follow you around no matter what you say. It really gets annoying after a while. "Heero, are you still there?" Oh, yeah, I forgot I was still on the phone.

"Sorry, yeah, I'm still here. I just overslept, that's all." I'm surprised I'm actually telling her the truth. I could've told her i was feeling really sick, almost bedridden. But then that might give me unwanted attention and force me to have people unnecessarily worry over my well-being.

"Oh, I was really worried. I thought you might have gotten really sick. I picked up you're homework fro you, but I don't have time to bring it by tonight, so I asked Duo to do it, is that okay?" Homework? Duo? She asked Duo to do wha? . . . Why would she . . . . Duo's going to come over to my apartment? But, I can't let him see it like this . . . The bed is stained with blood . . . there are clothes everywhere . . . I look like shit.

Wait, I still have a few hours, right? I can get it all cleaned up by then, as well as my arm... Which reminds me. It's really starting to hurt now. Almost to the point of throbbing. Actually, it's probably infected. But at the moment I don't care. That little session of thinking I had last night let me realize a few important things. I think I'm insane.

But I'm going to need to burn some incense or buy some frabreeze(sp?) or air-freshener or something. My whole room reeks of blood. Maybe I should go grocery shopping too . . .

Shit Heero. He's probably only going to be coming to you're door for a few seconds to drop some papers and books off, and you want to make everything perfect? Well, to be quite honest, yes, yes you do.

"Heero? Heero, are you sure you're okay? You keep zoning out . . . I you want I can come by later and we can talk . . . Or if it's some kind of problem you don't think I'd understand, I could ask Duo to stay after he gives you you're homework...?" Oh god, just the possibility of Duo staying in my apartment to talk made my heart skip a beat. Kinda scary. . . .

"Hn. . . I don't know Relena. I'm really just still a little bit tired." Probably due to the loss of blood and dehydration . . .

"Oh well, alright then, I'm- oh wait a moment would you, I see Duo," Sigh What am I getting myself into? I can hardly understand what their saying . . . Relena must have put the hone up to her chest or hand or something. Why did she even bother to call? Why are they even bothering to bring me my homework? How strange, they've never done this before . . .

"Heero?"

Duo. She put Duo on the phone. Why didn't she say anything? Probably because she's forcing Duo to get on the phone and talk to me. He probably doesn't even want to walk up here and give me my homework, much more stay and talk a while.

"Heero are you still there?"

Oh yeah the phone . . . "Yeah I'm still here."

"Oh, that's good, I thought you'd hung up for a moment there, or maybe got disconnected. Relena did say you were sleeping. Must have been nice to sleep in till around noon! sigh But after school I'm drop by with you're homework, Relena wanted to do it but she's busy so I get to! You've gotta be happy about that, right?"

"Hey!" I do believe Relena took that comment to heart.

"Um, sure."

". . . Are you still tired or somin'? I'll make this quick then." Typical Duo, not waiting for my answer. Not that I would have answered. "So far you've only got two assignments out to the five classes we've had, and by the way, did you know you have like, straight A's man? I'm lucky to get a B in my core classes, shesh! Anyway, I need some help with my math homework, so if you're feeling up to it when I get there, could I stay and get a lesson with the great Heero Yuy?" Maybe Relena isn't forcing him to do this . . . But I shouldn't get my hopes up, they'd only get crushed.

"Sure. But you don't need to check for homework in my last two classes. Ones gym and the others Jewelry. I never have homework for either. But thanks for checking on my classes for me, Duo." Well Shit, now he knows you can't be too tired. I just hope he doesn't want to talk a lot now. I'm wasting time I could be spending on clean my apartment over. And get a shower. I didn't get one last night, the blood on my arm proves that. Normally I'll get my nightly shower after a little cutting episode, so I really must have cut deeper than normal for it to have knocked me out . . . I better stay home tomorrow just in case. But then that leaves me with trying to explain why I overslept one day and then didn't come to school the next. They'd give me wakeup calls if I did that two days in a row. But I think I remember hearing that a pint of blood is restored to the body after 24 hours . . . or maybe it was 48. where did I hear that any way? I wonder if I lost more than a pint of blood last, night, I do feel rather light headed . . . Hopefully I can stay standing on my own for more than five minuets, much more clean my apartment.

"-ok?" Shit, I was zoning out while Duo was talking, maybe i did lose a lot more blood than planned last night. I suppose I better drink lots of water today. Yuck.

"Sorry, what was that?"

There was a light chuckle before Duo repeated himself. "You really must be tired. I said that I though it was weird that you would take a Jewelry class, but then thought of all the machinery and fire you get to use so I'm not so shocked. And that I'll be by you're apartment around 2:40. At the earliest, by the way, I have to walk, and school only gets out at 2:20. Is that ok?"

"Yeah sure. Um, are you going to stay for dinner, because if you are I need to go grocery shopping."

"Well, If you have to do that then why don't we just go out to dinner, okay? That'll be fun after our lesson, huh?"

"umm, sure."

"Okay! See you then Heero, Lunch is over so I gotta go now, bai!"

"Ja Ne" click

Okay, I only have a few hours before Duo gets here, only a few hours to clean my apartment. Well, I suppose I should start with the living room, considering that's the first room you see when you walk in here.

Actually my apartment really isn't that much of a mess, it just needs some straightening. I'll just have to dust down everything and vacuum. Walking into the kitchen was much pretty much the same, wipe down the counter tops and maybe organize the fridge. Unload the dish washer too.

Then there was the bathroom. I was going to have to spend a little bit more time in there, trying to scrub clean all the blood stains. Actually, I think maybe I should start with the bathroom, than my bedroom, then the living room and kitchen. Perhaps Blood stains are more important to remove than your average everyday dust bunnies. I have no idea how Duo would react if he knew about my dirty little secret. I'm not sure I'd want to know.

Well, I suppose I better get started with the bathtub/ shower. Getting out the bottle of Comet from underneath the sink I sprinkled it around the tub while I let it fill with water amount an inch or so. Scrubbing with blood off of the porcelain and tile should be easy, although I think I'll have to wash the small rug I keep in here. Actually, now that I think about it, why do I have so much white stuff? My bed sheets were white, my towels and rugs, even my carpet, and it was probably all at least speckled with blood. Well, no my bed sheets were probably always going to come out of the wash a pinkish brown from now on, and my floor mat had red foot prints in it from when I would cut deeply into my leg and let the blood drip for a while as I would often zone out afterwards.

Actually, It's kind of fun, the after experience of the cutting. I mean, the cutting itself hurts like a bitch, but for a few seconds after, right after, I feel absolutely nothing. I just gat so caught up in watching the blood flow. Then I usually get caught in my though flow of what ifs. Then of course if I'm still awake afterwards I usually get that unpleasant nervous anxious feeling. Usually though I try and be asleep by then, I have a few bad dreams every once in a while cuz' of it though.

Well, in my little thought I seem to have finished the bathtub and walls. Onto the sink. Actually the sink was another think in my apartment that was blood stained and white. But once again because of what it was made of, it would be fairly easy to clean. taking a look around I counted how many towels would be left if I took all the bloodied ones out. 7. I normally have 15 towels, even though I live alone, I just don't like washing towels every week. I think I have a spare hand towel to hang with the sink, so at least nothing will look suspicious in here.

I'm surprised though, that their didn't seem to be and blood stains on the toilet. normally the lid has lots of stains fro my feet. But then again I suppose the floor mat took the brunt of that these last few weeks.

Gathering up the towels man floor mat I dropped them in a pile in my room only to add my dirty clothes and sheets to the pile. getting out new sheets and remaking my bed I realized the blood stains really didn't go all over my room like the bathroom. But I did have lots of knives, razors, blades, tacks, needles, and other sharp objects scatter around my room.

So once my pillows were in place on me newly made bed I walked around my room collecting all the objects I could find. I didn't think I had missed any so I walked back into the bathroom and pulled out my bottle of disinfectant, and carefully cleaned all the blades and knives. Actually, I usually just throw away the tacks and needles. They didn't cause the same kind of pain, I didn't even use them all that often. Maybe as a warm up for something else, just running them up and down my arm or leg to get ready, you know?

Finished with that I realized while I was here I should probably clean my arm and other various cuts. Putting away the disinfectant and grabbing the peroxide I cleaned my older and newer cuts alike with it. bandaging my newest cut that probably actually deserved stitches.

walking back to my room I took off the clothes I had worn to bed and threw them in the pile I had made in the middle of my room. getting out a long-sleeved dark green shirt and some black jeans I got dressed after putting on clean underwear. Remembering that Duo had wanted to go out to eat I put some socks on. My shoes were by the door and would remain there until I left with Duo. I really hope that this goes well and I don't upset him.

Picking the pile I had main up I tried to shove it all into the plastic laundry bin I keep in a corner of my room. realizing this wasn't going to happen, I put all of my clothes in the bin and took the eight towels and places them in the middle of the two sheets, noticing the huge stain I had made. It had to be at least a foot and a half. That must have been a lot of blood . . . Oh well, it too late now to do anything about it. Tying the sheets around the towels I shoved it all underneath my bed, up to the wall my bed was already pushed up against.

I then spent the next twenty minuets dusting and the next fifteen after that vacuuming. Now came for the time to clean out my fridge. Opening the door I don't know why I saved this for last. I had three bears left for a six pack, some sodas and some left over Chinese food. The beer had been really easy to get, you see, there was a man working at a liquor store who would give anyone who was underage beer for a blowjob. Of course you still had to pay, well, no, he'd give it to you for free if you let him fuck you. But I had just a few more morals than that.

I must say I'm surprised he hasn't gotten caught by the cops yet. I wonder how long he'll be in jail when he does? throwing away the boxes of leftover food and organizing the sodas I closed the fridge realizing I was done. Getting out a glass from one of the cabinets I walked up to the freezer side of the refrigerator and placed the glass in the ice/water dispenser. But now I realized I had forgotten to check this side of the fridge. Opening the door I realized that was okay because the only things in here were two boxes of hot pockets, one ham and cheese and the other pepperoni. Well, I guess I did have food. Then there were three different kinds of popsicles. splash pops, big sticks, and lemon ice stuff. What can I say? I like popsicles and beer. Screw you.

taking out a splash pop I poured myself the glass of ice water I had paused in doing earlier. walking out to the living room I set them both down and got out my school bag so that it would be ready when Duo got here. Looking at the clock I realized I had made pretty good time since it was 2:14 and I'd have some time to relax and think about any last minuets things I might need to get done.

Actually, now that I think about it, I could run down to the laundry room in my building and get my towels and sheets done before Duo gets here. So I got up and put the popsicle back into the freezer, looking at my water.

I really dislike water. but I knew I was seriously dehydrated and that wasn't good for going out to dinner. So taking a big breath I swallowed the entire glass of water in one breath. Although I nearly threw up while drinking it, I think I'll throw up now. Running to the bathroom I realized I was to the point of dehydration that I really should only sip on water and suck on ice cubes, as I emptied the water I had just drank back into the toilet. well, maybe I just wont drink or eat much when we go out. I just hope I don't get sick later.

Once my stumach had settled back down I got up and walked to my room, emting my luandry basket once again, and refilling it with the towels and sheets. Picking it up I was once again reminded of the pain in my arm. Angling the basket so that most of the weight was on my good arm I walked out of my apartment kicking the door closed and down to the laundry room. I didn't really have to worry about people seeing me and asking questions because everyone else was either working, at school or day-care. The few people who worked here already knew not to ask their residents questions, considering I didn't live in the best of neighborhoods. Not that this was a crappie town, just that there was a lot of scummy people living here acting like normal everyday people until their door was closed. But hey, look at me.

Shoving my laundry into one of the washers and putting some soap in I added 50cents into the machine and stood there watching for a moment as it started. Surprisingly enough we didn't have a very high crime rate in the laundry area, or any area really, so I knew it was alright to leave it washing and go back to my apartment. Taking the now empty basket with me I walked back up to my apartment which was on the third floor.

I didn't get very far into the lobby before some one tapped me on the shoulder. Turning around I was met with a familiar face. And a welcome one at that.

"Hey Heero! Relena offered me a ride after school so I didn't have to walk. You ready to help me with that homework?"

Duo. Looking around the room quickly I scanned it for Relena to see if she had followed him in and not finding her I smiled slightly at Duo, "Sure, you wanna take the stairs or the elevator?"

"Um, let's take the elevator, my bags kinda heavy today."

Walking into the elevator I realized I was really worried about nothing. Well, Relena wise. I had forgotten that she had given up on me, she was a couple with Dorothy now. Dorothy must be happy.

"Hey, since I obviously caught you in the middle of laundry how about after you help me out you go back down there and finish? You probably don't want me to see you're unddies!" He winked and smiled as he waited for my answer.

I almost wanted to say that I did not have underwear down there but then he might want to came and I can't have him seeing my sheet like that now can we? "Um, yeah, that's fine."

Just then the elevator dinged and Duo and I walked down the hall to my apartment. He sat down on the couch and pulled out his math book grinning at me all the while. Maybe this wouldn't be so nerve-racking after all.

TBC


	3. chapter three

Tourniquet

(1)I don't know how I'm going to do this. Even if I go down there alone to get my laundry, he'll still see me bring it up. Well, I suppose I could shove the sheet into the bottom and cover it with all the towels, but that's assuming the towels look fine. Grrrrrr! Oh wait, Duo's asking me another question….

"So where do you want to go out to eat, Heero?" We'd finished his homework, along with mine almost 20 minuets ago. We'd just been watching TV, and I was completely zoned out, which is why I almost missed Duo's question.

"Eh? Where ever."

"So then it's my choice, eh? How about Zanzibar!(2)" Duo started laughing at his own joke, but I don't know why it was funny... What is Zanzibar? "Nah, I'm just jokin' Hee-chan. There's this really nice cafe down by the library, if ya wanna go there?"

"That's fine Duo,. I'm sure it'll be fun." Fun! What the hell did I mean by fun? When have I ever had fun?

"Okay then, what are we waiting for? Let's go." Have I really gotten this lucky? Has he forgotten my laundry? I shouldn't get my hopes up. We'll probably get down to the lobby and he'll remember. Well, I suppose this is what I've been waiting for. I feel like I could be sick any moment, and yet it's so nice to be sitting here with him.

Isn't that odd? How you can want something so much, but then when you have it, you go back to wanting to want it from afar? I feel like any moment I'm gonna say something really stupid, Duo doesn't need to listen to me babble. I'd bore him and then I'd have absolutely no hope of something like this ever happening again.

Duo is the kind of person everyone wants to be. He's a pretty happy guy, but when he's sad, he's not afraid to talk to someone. He's not afraid to tell you to your face what others would say behind your back. And here I am, Mr. Paranoid, doesn't talk out of fear of embarrassment.

"Earth to Heero? Heero, you've just been sitting there watching TV for 5 minuets. Do you not want to go out to dinner or something? You don't have to ignore me, you could just say so ya know." Oh god! He thinks I don't like him! He thinks I don't want to go to dinner with him! What the fuck was I thinking! What am I supposed to say? Shit, I don't want him to think I don't like him, no Duo! I need to keep this at least a good friendship, even if it's nothing more.

"Have you ever seen this show before Duo? It's interesting, that's all, we should head out soon." Wait, what's on? I've never seen this... What the hell is it? What if he knows what it is and asks me a question? Why the hell is that little green guy ranting about like Wufei? (3)

"Well okay, then, let's go! Oh, and this show is fun, but it's funnier at 5am when you haven't gone to be yet!" Duo winked as he stood up, bringing me with him by my upper arm.. I really don't mind, surprisingly enough. I like it when he drags me around most of the time. I really hope this doesn't take a turn for the worse tonight.

I need this to work. I don't know why, I just do. I feel this awful dull pain in my stomach, every time I think of what might happen if I messed this up. But I shouldn't think about that, right? If you only think about negative things that haven't came to pass you'll just get more negative things, right?

But what bad things could I do that would really screw this up on a short walk to a cafe? And dinner really shouldn't last more than 45 minuets at the most, right? Then Duo and I would probably split up at the end of dinner, return to our respective homes. ouch. My eyes hurt, when did we leave the lobby? More importantly, when did we leave my apartment and when did I get my shoes on? I must be some kind of crazy, to keep zoning out so powerfully like this. It wasn't always like this. I could lose myself in my thoughts easily before, but never so much that my body just went on auto pilot . . . What if I end up doing this to a point where I can't stop? It's not as though I really know I'm doing it when it happens. Would Duo and the others put me away in an asylum or something? Would I spend the rest of my life in a padded white room lost in thought and not knowing what the hell was going on around me?

That's kind of a scary thought. But I think I missed something, I must have been doing it just then. Duo was giving me a strange look, he must have asked me something.

"Heero, are you sure you're not sick? Or are you ignoring me on purpose?" Hm. Maybe I am sick. But not in the same way you're thinking. Or maybe not. Maybe you do think the perfect solider is crazy after all these years of war. Am I crazy? Do I need help? No. I'm fine, maybe not exactly normal, but who would be normal, after living first hand through a war. I'm fine. Fine. You're fine Heero.

"I guess I'm just a bit tired still. I wasn't trying to ignore you Duo, I would never do that." Fuck. Why the hell did I just say that! What the hell is he gonna think now? Shit. shitshitshit SHIT!

"Aww, that's so sweet Hee-chan" Surprised would be light. Of course I couldn't let this show, but damn. He was happy? Why? Shouldn't he be freaked out? Or want to get this evening done and over with as soon as possible? Does he actually want to have my company? My opinions? How odd... /boku wa hen da./ (4)

"And here we are Heero! It really is a nice cafe, you can get almost anything here!" I love the way Duo looks when he smiles. Well, I love the way he looks when he smiles at me. I get jealous and angry when he smiles at someone else. That makes me feel bad, for some reason, that I would be so possessive over another human being. But I don't think I can help it. Shit, that makes me want to cut. Just thinking about feeling that way just because he smiled at someone else, god forbid! Fuck, i want to just fucking take a knife or something sharp right fucking now and draw blood, my blood, out of my fucking body. I don't care where, I just need to see my blood.

"Ok, let's go Duo." I tried to give him the best smile I could manage with this urge I had not intended upon. I'm not sure it really even registered in my brain right... But Duo seemed to smile even more now, and wrapped his hand up in mine. I tried to get my thumb on the outside, that's the more uncomfortable way, isn't it? But Duo seemed to want to push his hand in that position more. Maybe that was more comfortable for him? After all when you entwine your fingers, one thumb is on the outside, and it's comfortable, so it's only logical, right?

"It's not quite rush hour yet, so we shouldn't have to wait long." Duo and I entered through the glass door, a bell ringing out as we did. It was nice in here. A warm cream colored paint adorned the walls, and paintings hung on the walls. They were mainly flowers and cottages and the like. It was very feminine in here, but it was nice, comfy almost. A young woman, probably just out of high school, came out of what I suppose was the kitchen and asked us if it would just be the two of us tonight.

"Yeah, and no smoking," Damn it. Heero, there is no fucking reason you should feel this way just because he's smiling at her! "And could we get a nice window seat?"

"Of course. Right this way." Well, like I said, Duo is most definitely a people person. Well, I suppose I didn't actually say that, but I was implying it earlier, right?

It really was a nice restaurant, but there's no way in hell I could relax. The people next to us could be waiting for the perfect opportunity to turn around and blow my head off. Or maybe abduct me for some cult or something. I'm being paranoid, aren't I? Well, let's think about nicer things, like Duo. I still can't believe he wants to do this. Relena or Quatre or someone must be paying him or something, he can't actually want to spend all afternoon with me. It's just not right, why would anyone want to spend so much of their time on me? It's a waste. I'm a waste. When i get home I should just end it all. Take out my gun and fucking put a bullet through my skull. I'll spare everyone the trouble of having to look at me, being obligated to say good morning to a freak like me. Duo will finally be happy and not have some lost dog watching and hoping. Hell, I'll bet they'd even fucking laugh at the funeral. Well, that is if they cared enough to do that. Probably not.

"What are you thinking?" I must have gotten lost again, I jumped slightly when Duo spoke. I think he noticed too because he started giggling. I realized we both already had drinks, and I must have been staring blankly at my menu for who knows how long.

"... Nothing ..." What a blatant lie. I can't even pull up the strength to make it sound the slightest bit believable, it just sounded tired really. I can't do anything right, can I? I mean, besides fighting, killing, we have peace now. Well, Peace just asks for wars, but right now, that's what we have. And I wasn't even perfect in creating this, I messed up so many times. Shit, the war would probably have ended sooner, less innocents would have died, if I hadn't fallen into Trieze trick so early on. I wish one of them had killed me. Or even Zechs, or Quatre. Why am I still alive? After all the times I looked Death in the face, jumped with open arms, why am I still here?

"Are you ready to order?" I looked up again, it was the same woman who had seated us. Looking down at the menu quickly I said the first thing my eyes locked on. "I'll have a bowl of today's soup."

"Anything to go with that? A salad?" No! Why did she ask me that? It was hard enough telling her that's what I wanted to eat. What's the days soup anyway? Oh god, I think I might be sick, or maybe I'm just blushing, oh my god, I feel like I could start hyperventilating.

"No, no thank you, just the soup." /See now, that wasn't so hard was it/ Yes, that was one of the fucking hardest things I've ever had to do! Well, that's not true, but damn it, I don't like doing this.

"And you, sir?" Her smile is so plastic. It's sickening almost. She can smile like a good innocent waitress, but her eyes, I want rip them out. Can she just stop looking at Duo's crotch for a second! Bitch, you had better learn to sleep with one eye open.

"So Heero, do you even know what you ordered?"

"Soup."

He's laughing. Is he laughing at me, or was it something I said, or did? "Well yeah, but I mean, you were in lala land over there and then you just said the first thing you saw didn't you? Do you know what the soup of the day is?"

Did I order something nasty? Is he taunting me? What is all this about? Look around Heero, there has to be a board or something that has the specials on it. Well yes, look at that, there it is. Near the door where you first walk in, facing away from me. Duo started to laugh harder now, probably because I made an annoyed sound in the back of my throaght(5) from my discovery. I've no idea if I made a face. "And do you?"

"Wha?... the soup?" It took a few moments for Duo to get his breathing back under control. He looked cute, all flushed like that. "Yeah, it's French Onion. It's just your face! Just now, and then with the waitress, I thought you were gonna get up and throttle her right here! Oh god!" Duo saw that? Was it really that obvious? Why is he laughing again? What's funny about all this? No one's ever laughed at me before. /maybe that's because you always seem to have a gun in your hand./ Shut up! Duo is not scarred of me!

"Anou... Heero? Why did you just growl? I wasn't laughing at you you know. Just what you did." How is that any different? Wait. I growled? Well, he doesn't look scared, just confused. But then again, why would he be scared? He was a gundam pilot too after all. Although I'm not sure he could beat me in a battle, although he did defeat those two dolls fairly easily.

"Sorry." Why do I keep apologizing today? I'm not sorry for anything, just a bit upset at my lack of self-control. Or maybe I am sorry, but because we say sorry so much, and the word looses meaning, the act looses meaning. Morals are destroyed somehow, so it's only logical, right?

"So Heero, Relena say's you're just devastated she's not after you anymore. I must say, you never looked too pleased to see her before, did you know she thinks that? All those pity-points going straight to you." Is he trying to be funny? Because that's just mean. Why the hell would I be sorry some girl stopped following me asking me to kill her? Relena seemed hell-bent on dying until she found out she was a Peacecraft. And then she wanted to be strong and help me, so she followed me for a different reason. Just because you change the scenery, doesn't mean you've left hell.

"Hn." Relena, why the hell are you even saying things about me? You don't know the first fucking thing about me, hell, I'll bet Dorothy knows more about me than you do. "Relena doesn't know what she's talking about. Forget it Duo, she couldn't make me devastated." Mainly because she's with Dorothy and there's no chance she could take you away from me. Not that there's really anything to take away, I suppose.

"Oh, well that's good. No point in thinking you turned someone gay, most people have already decided their sexual preference by the age of 8. So you ever think about dating another girl besides Relena?"

"No, I've never thought about dating another girl before or after Relena" Not that I ever wanted to date Relena, or did really.

"Oh Heero. You've gotta see this for what it is! Rele-"

"I've thought about dating another guy." Shit. Just because you didn't want to listen to some pity talk you go and tell him you're a homo! You fucking moron! What the hell are you thinking!

"Really?" Fuck. I've never seen him smile like that before except in a comm link during a mission. What the hell is he thinking! Maybe I should just bail now and go home and kill myself before he goes and puts me through hell for being a homo.

"And here are you're meals." Anger once again seemed to flare in my chest as Duo smiled flirtatiously at the waitress as she refilled out drinks and gave us out food. But now I have to think. How can I get him not to talk about this!

Looking up I tried not to hold eye contact with him, but Duo hadn't even touched his food, he was just looking at me. What the hell is he thinking! Looking back down at my food, I think I was blushing. I really seem to have gotten soft. But wait, I can just eat, always have my mouth full and then I can't talk to Duo. Of course he could always say things still... Well, I guess it's worth a try, anyway.

And so dinner passed in silence. The waitress came over every once and a while to refill our drinks and when the bill was finally brought I didn't get to it before Duo, which caused an unconscious reaction to look at Duo and thank him. It's only proper, right? He still had that damn creepy ass smile on his face, predatory, almost. "It's ok Hee-chan, I've got it."

"Alright, I'll wait outside"

I realize now, I feel kind of sick to my stomach, not enough to throw up, but enough to make me queasy. I shouldn't have eaten all of that soup. But I was desperate to not have to talk, or even look at Duo. He probably thinks I'm the most disgusting... betraying bastard! I should have told him sooner, no, NO! I never should have told him at all! You fucking moron! You stupid little fucker, you've just ruined you're life past recognition and probably hurt Duo.

"So Heero," Shit! When did he get out here? I jumped again, I seem to loose more concentration more and more, or maybe I'm gaining? "heh heh, Well, let's go back to your place. My stuff is still there after all."

Shit, I'll be alone with him in my apartment. Why is it that time always goes faster when you want it to slow down, and it seems to pass by slower than a snail when you want it to speed up? I need to figure out a way to do this and not have this night get any worse! But we're almost back to my building. It seemed to take so long getting to the restaurant, why is it going so fast now! The bellboy smiled at us as we walked back into my building, Duo moved us towards the elevator. I think I really shouldn't have had all that soup, I feel really sick now. Duo and I are all alone together in the elevator, and I just had to immediately go for the corner. Duo walked up to me, that smile still on his face, and I just didn't want to see the hate and disgust in his eyes when he hit me. What else would he be doing, right?

Well, then I suppose you can imagine my surprise when he wrapped his right arm around my lower back and used his other hand to hold my head in place to kiss me. This really must all be a joke. Some sick cruel joke! I must have misjudged Duo, he must be more twisted than I ever thought. I can't believe he would do this to me. So maybe he doesn't know I love him, but he knows I like guys. What kind of awful embarrassment is he trying to set me up for?

"Heero. . . You've no idea how long I waited to hear that you never wanted Relena." I could feel him smile against my lips, but I've no idea if it's still that predatory smile, I'm just too scared to open my eyes, he must really hate me to do this. When the elevator door dinged open I all but ran to my door, pushing him away, grabbing his bags I shoved them into the hall and locked the door just as Duo got there. There are advantages to having the living room next to the door. Duo was pounding on my door telling me he was sorry, to let him in. What the hell does he want to do to me? How does he want to hurt me that he wouldn't want to wait?

"Go away! I've got work to do! If you have something to say to me, I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow!" Shit, my thought is so tight! It feels like I'm going to start to cry any moment now. Please leave Duo, even now that you know, I still love you, I don't want to be this weak in front of you.

"Alright Heero. I'm so sorry, I don't know why your so upset. I won't kiss you again without you asking first I promise... Just... Just... I'm so sorry Heero. I'll see you in school tomorrow."

"Oh god! I can't believe I just ran away! I've never run away from him... I never had any reason to, but now, oh god..." I hate crying. The whole experience is just so painful, so ungraceful. You can't breath out you're nose, and you're throaght(5) is so tight you don't want to breath through you're mouth. And then you get such painful hiccups, and all the while you're eyes are stinging with tears that just make your skin feel awful. I need to fucking cut. This was all too much! I fucked everything up! I'm just as good dead to everyone, even better! I'll fucking run my blades through my skin so deep no one can save me. They don't want me! No one fucking wants me!

Relena thinks I'm a fucking pity case, just as Dorothy probably does, Duo thinks I'm a disgusting Homo! And he's fucking right! And no one else would care in the slightest. I'm no use to anyone anymore, I might as well fucking kill myself! It's become obvious no one else will.

I just have to choose witch one I would use, I've collected so many now, after the wars. Well, actually, there were times even during the wars when I would cut myself, just not very often. Just enough so that it looks like accidents while fixing wing, or something from a mission. But now, now no one can stop me! I'll fucking cut my arm open and finally be happy And if I'm not happy, at least I'll finally be done with this shit!

I think I'll have to use my dagger. I bought it online, using my laptop. I bought it for just this actually. It's pirated, so it hasn't been dulled, just a light graze and it will cut skin. Fuck, I'm sure it would be easy to jam this through my entire body as apposed to using one of my other knives or something.

If anyone tells you it feels good, to cut themselves, that it really feels good physically, they're lying. Maybe they can't feel it, fine, maybe it gives them a good emotional, or mental feeling, but it hurts physically. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I want to start crying even harder when I push the dagger into my wrist. It stings, but it's so fascinating! watching as your skin is cut open, a slight pinkish color. And then little beads of blood start to form, turning into a puddle that reminds me of water filled just above the rim of a glass. It stings, now that the open air is able to get to my once solid skin. It's even more fascinating to watch as so much forms that it spills over and onto my legs. I realize now, that I'm sitting on my bathroom floor, do I want to die in my bathroom? No.

Getting up that weird dizzy feeling returns from earlier. I almost fell, making my way over to my couch, this is as good a place as any, right? I'd love to just sit here and watch my fucking arm bleed, but I need to cut my other wrist, my left. The one that is closer to my heart. My favorite place to cut. Well, this will be the cut of all cuts. Digging the dagger into my arm as deep as I could without crying out I dragged to down to my wrist. I finally did cry out though as I pulled it away from my arm, it had already started to bleed badly from where I had started. No surprise there.

What was a surprise though was the knock on the door. "Hey Heero? I'm really sorry. You forgot to get your laundry earlier, so I brought it up for you." Duo. Fucking hell! He's just desperate to hurt me, isn't he? "Heero! I'm really really sorry! Just please open this door! I need to know what all I did wrong!. . . . Heero..." How can you be sorry for something you don't know you did wrong? I just don't get it.

"GO AWAY DUO!" Shit, my voice is so cracked! If it wasn't obvious I was upset before my voice sure as hell said I'm crying.

"Heero! Heero what's wrong? Please open the door! Heero!" Go away, go away goawaygoawaygoawayGOAWAY! please Duo, I can't take this anymore, I just want to die. Please, just go away.

"Heero?" Shit. I never locked the door. He's standing there with my sheets in his hands, staring at me. Why is he looking at me like that? He looks scared. Oh yeah, I slit my wrists, I'm dying.

"Why didn't you go away? Why won't you just go away! Go AWAY, please! I just. . . . I just . . . I know you hate me, you don't have to tell me, you don't have to keep hurting me! Just please let me die with some grace. Please Duo."

"Heero! I'm not fucking leaving this room until the ambulance gets here." Walking over to one of my phones Duo picks it and dials. I don't want to listen to what he's saying, but I can't stop my senses. What I wouldn't give to be able to loose myself in thought now!

"Yes, Hello! My friend, he's slit his wrists... and gasp You have to get here soon..." Shit. Duo really sound upset about this, is this just another game of his? Trying to get me to relax so he can pounce? Why is he acting like he cares! Why! WHY! Doesn't he realize he's hurting me by doing this? How many times did I wish he would find out about this, and save me from myself? And now, now it's all wrong! I don't want any of it! I just want to be left alone to die! It's too late to save me now! doesn't he realize that! Why is he trying! Why is he crying! I have so many questions now, a small spark I haven't seen in months, a spark telling me that maybe I don't want to die. But I can't think of anything to back it up, anything it help build up on it to make me want to choose life over death. Shit, I can't breath! My chest hurts so much, and Duo is telling me to calm down, that I'm going to start hyperventilating if I don't, but I don't care! I don't care about anything!

Doesn't he understand that? He was my last hope. My last... And now he hates me. Duo hates me. I need to die.

TBC

1) I decided to skip showing Heero help him, I really suck at math. I can do percents, and your basic /-/x/ division and that's probably it without help... ;; I was gonna put Duo in Calculus or somin, but I don't know shit about that. Hell, I passed algebra 1 with a low D. And somehow I got a high B in pre-algebra part II... oh well, different teachers.

2) I've no idea if that's how it's spelled...

3) This was a reference to Invader Zim which, as far as I'm aware of, is no longer on TV

4) If I'm right, this translates to 'I guess I'm just strange'

5) I've no idea how to spell this and my computer isn't helping, I have no dictionary either ;;


	4. chapter four

Tourniquet

I should die. I don't deserve to live, a stupid fucking homo like me. Duo hates me, Relena thinks I'm some poor little heartbroken sucker. And I'm sure the other pilots don't give a damn. I'll die right here, in my apartment, in Duo's arms. It would all be so much better if Duo didn't know why I'm dieing, if he didn't hate me.

The paramedics have just gotten here, but I can't let them save me! I have to die! There's no reason for me to live anymore! I have to get up, Duo says that the paramedics are gonna be up here with a stretcher in a minuet, I have to get up! The bathroom has a lock! I have to get to the bathroom, and I can hardly breath. Duo can't stop me from getting to the bathroom, I won't let him! He can't stop me from dieing! I've had enough, I have to die! But my head is so dizzy, I've lost so much blood, now and from before. Even if the paramedics get here, will they really even be able to 'save' me?

I still have some strength left, now that I got out of Duo's grip, I need to get to the bathroom! But I need to push now, I need to lock the door but Duo won't stop pushing. But it doesn't matter now, the paramedics are pushing too. They're going to take me to the hospital, they're going to try and keep me alive! Don't they get it! I just want to die! Why won't they just let me die?

It's my body! My life! I have a choice over whether I get a job or not, whether I go to school or not, whether I eat or not, why shouldn't I choose when and how I die? This is my choice! Just let me go, I don't want to live, if you save me, I just try again! You'll have to put me in total lock down if you think you can keep from killing myself! I don't deserve to live! If you think I'll go willingly, I need to die!

"No!... sop' it... deed die..." I can hardly see anymore, there are so many tears, and the lights are so bright. Funny, they never seemed so bright before. When people say they see the light at the end of the tunnel they must be seeing the doctors light pen, it fucking hurts. Shit, I think they just gave me a sedative, but they may just be messing with my cuts. Either way, I just felt something in my arm.

Duo's still here, he's sitting next to me, they're already pulling the ambulance out of the parking lot. I think he's crying, but it's so hard to see, the lights are finally dimming, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I guess I wasn't joking that time with Trowa. When I told him it hurts to die. My lungs can't take in as much air, and I think I'm finally paying for that, I can't stay awake much longer. Please Duo, just let me die, I just want to die! What's so wrong about that? Tell me, why is it so important for you to hurt me, that you're trying to save me?

oOo

(Duo's POV)

Oh god Heero! Why did you do this? Please don't leave me! I should have noticed something! I should never have left the first time, I should have gotten you to open the door then, so that you never would have done this to yourself! Heero, you can't die, you just can't! Please don't leave me, please.

Should I have seen this coming? Did anyone else know? How long have you kept these feelings inside you Heero? How long have you felt like this? How long have you felt alone?

oOo

(Heero's POV)

No, this can't be it. I'm not dead. I wonder if I'm dieing? Either way I'll never be the same. I threw that mask away, it was nothing but broken pieces anyway. I can't hide anymore behind that mask. If I wake up I'll just lock myself away, I'll loose myself in thought. They don't love me, I don't have to act for them, they don't care! None of them fucking give a damn! So why do I? Why does it matter to me whether anyone wants me or not? No, I shouldn't care! I should not want someone to care if I'm happy or not! Because in the end I will be their downfall. That little girl showed me that. It was quite clear. I never did find her body... Just the puppy.

I hope, that if they did save me, there are no flowers. I don't want to think about her! I don't! It just hurts too much. It all hurts far too much. Why did I have to tell him? Now he'll never want to see me again. But then again, you can't see the dead, now can you?

I'll just stay here, all alone, and I won't have to wear that mask ever again. I wont have to see the disgust, the pain I caused. You can finally be happy Duo. Truly happy, you wont have to see me mope around and bring you down. I'll just stay asleep here, for all eternity.

oOo

(NO POV)

"Mr. Maxwell?"

"Yes. Who may I ask is speaking?"

"I am Marry Sondbachè, I'm calling on behave of the Khushrenada memorial Hospital(1)."

Duo's hand tightened around the phone as possible reasons for the call spiraled through his head. "Is Heero alright?"

"Yes, he still has not woken up. He made a file a while back, that if he should go comatose for more than 30 days you would have the choice to take him off life-support. We'd like you to come down to the hospital and sign a few papers, and we can talk some more about your final choice, is that alright with you Mr. Maxwell?"

Oh god. Heero.

"Yeah, I'll be down there in about an hour or so, is that fine?"

"Yes, that's wonderful. Goodbye Mr. Maxwell."

Once Duo had hung up the phone he just stared out at the window, not really focusing on any one thing. Heero had this all planed didn't he? Why would he choose me? How could I tell them to take him off life-support? What if I make the wrong choice? What if his mind is gone and if I keep him on it he just stays a vegetable for the rest of his life? How dare he make me choose this! Heero...

Picking the phone back up Duo choose a number off his speed dial, waiting as the phone rang.

"Hello, Trowa Barton speaking."

"Hey, Trowa," Shit, I can't get my voice to stop shaking"Is Quatre there? I need to talk to him about something important."

"Duo? What's wrong?"

"Just please, can you put Quatre on the phone Trowa?"

"Yeah, I'll go get him."

There was some shuffling noises before muffled voices made thier way through Duo's phone to his ear, and after a few more seconds the noise stopped.

"Duo? Is there something wrong?"

Taking a large breath Duo nearly couldn't talk as tears started to well up in his eyes. "Quatre. Heero... The reason why Heero hasn't been to school this last week isn't because he's sick, Quatre."

"Duo. Duo what are you talking about? Why wasn't he at school then?'

"Quatre," The was another large intake of breath before Duo continued. Only this time much softer. "Quatre, he... He tried to kill himself. I walked in, and he'd already lost so much blood!" Duo couldn't stop the tears that wormed their way down his face, nor did he try. He didn't bother to hide it as his voice started to crack either. "Oh god Quatre! He... He kept telling us to just let him die! And he hasn't woken up... And now the hospital called, they said it was my choice whether to keep him on life support or not, and..." Duo's throaght closed up as the tears started to come faster, strangled sobs now the only thing that could leave his mouth.

"Duo, I need you to calm down, ok? Can you do that for me, just calm down Duo. Trowa and I are gonna drive down there, and we'll all go to the hospital together ok? You don't have to make a choice now Duo, we can wait. They can't rush you, this is something you have to think about okay?"

"Ok, please, hurry, Quatre, hurry."

oOo

(Heero's POV)

I need to die. I think I'm getting closer to waking up. I don't know how I know I'm not dead, I just know I'm not. It hurt more than this last time. It hurts to die, I know that! And I don't hurt. Well, I don't hurt physically. I still can't stop thinking about it all! The little girl, Duo, what Relena thinks, all of it! My training, Odin Lowe, it was my fault they all died! All of those innocents! If it weren't for me... None of this should have happened, none of it!

I don't want to wake up, I don't. If I wake up, they're going to ask questions. Questions I don't have answers to. I don't know why I want to die. True, I want the pain to stop, but, there's more. I don't know what it is, but there's more, I know there is. There has to be.

Every once and a while I can hear Duo's voice, soft. So soft that I can never make out what he's saying, but that I can still distinguish it's his voice. Isn't that odd, how you hear something, but not what it is?

That's one reason why I'm afraid I might be waking up. I want to stay here forever, if I'm not going to die. I don't want to have to look at you, to know you're disgusted with me. You're Catholic, or Christian or something right Duo? Isn't that why you have that cross? You should hate me, and shove me down with all those people who ever hurt you, that handbook says Suicide is wrong, right? I know the Bible doesn't, J made me read that. I never said a thing about homosexuality, suicide or any of those controversial subjects.

I wonder if you believe all that stuff duo? I don't. I believe in myself, he told me to live by my feelings. But my feelings are so painful, they make me want to die, not live, he couldn't have meant this. But I have nothing to smile about! I just don't understand, I don't.

oOo

(No POV)

"Mr. Winner? Yes, I can completely understand Mr. Maxwell's state. If you'll follow me?"

"Marry! Marry wait! Are these the people for that teenager?"

"Is there something wrong with Heero?" Duo seemed to clutch to Trowa as if the second he let go the floor would drop out from under him. Tears were still streaming down his face as he stared at the new face.

The nurse smiled sweetly as she locked eyes with Duo, "If you'll follow me, your friend is waking up, sir."

It seemed as if Duo suddenly couldn't breath, and perhaps he couldn't, because it was then that he collapsed in Trowa's embrace. And what better place to faint than a hospital?

The two nurses rushed to the braided boy and were helped by Quatre and Trowa to get the boy to a bed. He would be taken care of as The two remaining ex-pilots followed Marry into an elevator to see Heero.

"Do you think we should call Wufei?"

"Yeah, but let's leave Relena for now. Heero doesn't need too many people here after all."

The nurse politely stayed out of their conversation and led them down a few corridors to a double room to see Heero. Heero was still asleep when they got there, and the curtain was drawn around his bed. Quatre had just finished his call to Wufei as he reached the bed, ignoring the other occupant of the room who was asleep them self.

"Is he going to wake up soon, you think?"

"Quatre, for all we know he could have been awake these last three days. Don't you remember what Duo told us when he helped get him out of that building after they first met?"

"Yeah... I wonder if he was trying to kill himself then too?"

"Heero? Heero, we need you to open your eyes."

The nurse walked out of the room letting the two talk to Heero alone.

oOo

(Heero's POV)

I can hear that weird voices thing again. Except this time I think It's Trowa. Well, I know it's not Duo. That much is obvious. I can't wake up, if I do, well I don't know what will happen. But it's like I have absolutely no control anymore. My body is waking up and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's getting brighter, even though I know my eyes are closed. I can here the voices more clearly now.

"Trowa, do you think Duo is going to be alright? I hope he hasn't kept himself up worrying for days."

"Of course he has Quatre. This is Duo, you know how he feels about Heero! He needs him just as much, as it's now very obvious, Heero needs Duo. Why else do you think he passed out? He's relieved that Heero's not a vegetable!"

"Yeah, I suppose so. Trowa, do you think... Heero? Heero!"

Uhg... It so bright, what are they saying about Duo? It must be how much he hates me, right? Why did he pass out? God I hate hospital rooms, there's so much white. White is NOT a relaxing color. I think I might be sick. My head hurts so much...

Leaning over the side of the bed as much as my sore body would allow I emptyied my stomach, I just felt so awful! Talk about a warm welcome back to the living.

"Oh, Heero! Heero, are you alright? Trowa go find a nurse! Heero, can you hear me?"

God, I wish he would stop yelling!

"...tre?"

Alright, alright, you two need to get out of here for a few moments." (2)

It's strange, for some reason now, I want to see Duo. I sent all that time scared, and I still am, but I want to see him! Maybe it's because he passed out, I do want to know if he's alright, where are you Duo?

TBC

1) I couldn't think of a good name and I read this in a fic awhile ago. I think it was Keara's 'Desires and Deceptions' But I could be wrong.

2) Ya know, they probably wouldn't have let them be in there until after he woke up huh? Oh well, I'm not the first one to make the mistake.


	5. chapter 5

Tourniquet

"How is he miss?" Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa had been in the waiting room for some time now, frustrated that they couldn't just go back in there and see Heero. They were even more annoyed by the fact that even though Duo had woken up, they were asking him questions so he was not able to be here just yet when they let them back in to see Heero.

"Well, he's still physically alright, a little weakened from the coma and he's going to need to take drinking slowly.(1) But tomorrow morning we're going to give him a psyche evaluation, and as you know, we're going to have him on a suicide watch while he's staying here." The nurse smiled at them as if everything was all better, but they knew better, they knew not to take her fake comfort. Heero was not alright, he was not well. This was not one little hospital trip that would end everything once they left; no, this was a life long issue. This was something that would now always be a part of them, something that may not help Heero in the least.

"Can we go see him now then?" It probably would have been a surprise to see how worried Trowa and co. were for Heero.

"Well, you can go in there one at a time, but he's sleeping now, so do try not to wake him, hm?"

Quatre was the first to speak after the nurse walked away. "Wufei, you go see him first, Trowa and I are gonna go see where Duo's run off to, alright?"

"Of course."

Quatre and Trowa walked up to a nurse and started to follow her through a door after a brief conversation and Wufei took a few deep breaths before walking down the halls to the room Quatre had told him how to get to. It really was quite a site for one's imagination: to see someone so dear lying in a hospital bed, cords and machines hooked up and beeping…

oOo

(Heero POV)

"Heero?" Can't he see I' sleeping? Okay, well, maybe I'm not sleeping, but it looks like it damn it. "Heero, can you hear me?" Why the hell wouldn't I be able to?

"Of course I can, I didn't cut off my ears you know." Okay, so maybe humor isn't the best thing to use in this situation. I opened my eyes just in time to see him scowl at my comment. Damn.

"Heero. sigh" What the fuck was that? It's not like he cares, what he's doing now is evident enough of that! What right does he think he has to get all huffy on me! Maybe I should hold my breath now until I pass out, see how he likes that. "Heero, Quatre and Trowa are checking on Duo." Damn, you just HAD to remind me, didn't you Wufei? Damn it, it's not as though I'm already fucked up enough, you had to remind me that I've hurt Duo emotionally, and now physically. Why won't you all just LEAVE ME ALONE! What the hell did I do to deserve all this from you guys? You were supposed to be my friends, weren't you? I know it was really just me and Duo, or me and Trowa in the wars, that one time it was me and Quatre. It was pretty hard to get us all to work together, but... But we have so much in common because of it, why couldn't you just notice? I never really made my final want secret. Look at all the times I tried to kill myself in the wars. I keep failing, I don't deserve to live! I don't want to get old; you get clumsy and slow when you get older. I warned Odin, and still, he died right there in front of me! And I still couldn't blow up the damn building, that fucking mobile suit got in the way! (2)

"Heero!" What? Oh yeah, you have to say it out loud stupid.

"Nani?"

"Heero, are you alright? You're crying." What! I'm... feeling my face and I see he's right. It's all wet, I was crying! Shit, that's two people now! I'm such a fucking failure!

"Fucking idiot! Stupid fucking weak moron! You don't CRY like that in front of people, imbecile!" Stupid FUCKING moron, IDIOT! Oh god, I'm such a fucking FUCK up!

"Heero! Heero, no! No, you can cry whenever you want, it's perfectly fine. Heero you're NOT a moron, Heero! Don't ever say that again, you're a great person Heero!"

Oh... god... Did I actually say that... out loud? fuck...

"Heero? Heero what's wrong!" Duo? This actually made me stop my self hatred banter and look up at the doorway. "Heero... Heero please... What's wrong?" I just don't get it, why is he crying? How did I hurt him, does he really want to hurt me? Duo, why are you acting like you care like this! Duo, stop it, STOP it, do you have any idea what you're doing to me! Oh god Duo, please don't hurt me anymore, please! Duo...

"Stop it! Stop trying to fool me! You don't care! I know you don't fucking give a damn! Don't try and tell me otherwise! gasp Why do you all insist on doing this! Why... why won't you just leave me alone?" Shit, I can just barely keep my voice from cracking to the point of not talking... "Why couldn't you just let me die?"

"No, no Heero! We all care about you so much!"

"Shut UP! You stupid little blond IDIOT! You don't know anything! You fucking ran away from home because you're some fucking test-tube baby! So what! You still have a mind, you HAD a loving family, then you fucking screwed it all up! You never belonged in the fucking war, you weak little ninny!" oh ... god... did I just... Did... oh god... fuck...

All: piku piku(3)

"Heero, that was-"

"SHUT UP! JUST ALL OF YOU SHUT UP! Don't tell me that was uncalled for or any SHIT like that you uni-banged freak!" Oh god, I'm just all over aren't I? Why did they have to do tihs? I couldn't help but snap. That's just the kind of person I am, you know? "Just get out. Plesae, just get out."

I could hear the footsteps of them leaving, but I had closed my eyes; I didn't want to see them anymore. I just couldn't bare to look at them.

oOo

"So tell me what your usual day is like Mr. Yuy." I really don't like this chick. She has her blond hair curled all about her face and sticks her chest out as far as she can while still not falling over. A giant plastic smile has been permanently stretched into her face. (4)

"Well, you see, I wake up, get dressed, go to school, come home, eat, do homework, and go. to. bed." Bitch. Bitch bitch bitchbitchbitchbitch!

"Uh huuuuuhh. Smile And tell me how you deal with everyday problems, like say you didn't finish all your homework one night."

"I always finish my work the night before, if not sooner."

"But let's just prete-"

"NO! I am not pretending anything for your stupid little question, do you understand!" Gee, that seemed to wipe her little smile off for a millisecond. Then she decided to write some shit down on the stupid little clip-board in her hand. I am quickly begging to want to kill her with no mercy and no regard for the peace of the dead.

"Alright Mr. Yuy, how about you tell me how you go about making new friends, hmmmmmm?"

"I don't."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't."

"Alright. Let's see, how might you go about making a new friend if you did?"

"I wouldn't."

"Mr. Yuy, I'm going to need you to cooperate with me if this is going to work."

"Whatever."(5)

oOo

I told the doctors I didn't want to have any visitors. No one, none at all. But for some reason I have a feeling that the others are still trying. God, I'm in shambles! It hurts to even breathe; I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again!

I'm not sure how long this will last. They are former gundam pilots after all, but now, in this time, does that matter?

They told me I'm going to need to see a therapist on a regular basis from now on, or that that was best anyway. Apparently they don't like the fact that I'm legally my own adult. I think they're going to change it, say I'm not 'sane' enough or something. I suppose then I'll have to let the others see me. I certainly don't want to end up living with complete strangers. Maybe I should let Duo come visit me, but, what if he does want to hurt me? Whit if he's still trying to get me to relax, or something so he can really hurt me? I don't want to believe he would do that, but what if...?

I really should just ask him I suppose. He did say he never lies, but is that really possible? To never ever once lie? Hmmm, well, be certainly is good at holding back information without making it obvious. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I got to live with Duo, but would they let me? It's not as though he's 18, I know he's also considered his own adult; we all are, well, except for Quatre. But he somehow got Rashid appointed as his gardian. (6) The rest of us don't have families anymore(7), we've all had to fend for ourselves at times, would they really let Duo have guardianship? This is so not looking good for me.

Perhaps Zechs or Une or someone... No, actually I think I might just prefer living with complete strangers. It's not that I don't like them, just that I'm not sure I'd want to live with them.

But on the other hand, what's keeping me here? I could easily just walk out, who's going to stop me/everyone/ Shut up.

I could sneak out with one of those doctor robes on like in the movies couldn't I? Can they really keep me here? Can't I just sign myself out? They couldn't have taken my adultship(8) away so soon could they? I swear this hospital will drive me crazy, the kind that deserves a total lock-down. That kind of scares me, not being able to move at all and not even able to touch the floor.(9)

I think I'll try it. Try escaping from the hospital hell, I'll disappear from everyone, then they won't have to see me ever again. Duo won't have to cry when I kill myself, won't have to see the blood. Perhaps I should try something else this time? Maybe a gun? Or maybe I should stab myself with a sword like Wufei's? It'd be a bit hard to push it in, it's a fairly long sword... Maybe I should just go to the top of the hospital and jump? That'd be fun, it'd really show them they can't stop me, that no matter where I am, I can carry through with my plans.

"uy?- Mr. Yuy!" Well, I don't remember falling out of a three foot hospital bed a choice...

"What."

"I've brought you your lunch."

"Hn."

"Well your welcome."

"Hn."

I really hate the staff here. Maybe I should ask them to get Duo. No, I have a phone here next to me, I'll call myself. But, what am I going to say? No, I'll think about that later. This has been pestering me for too long, I need to talk to him at the very least.

After dialing the number, I'd burned into my memory I lightly cradled the phone next to my ear, nearly hanging up again when I heard the ring. I nearly hung up again after every ring and again when the answering machine turned on beeping for me to talk.

"Duo... I'd- I think- If you still want to see me, I'll tell them, because, well, I'd like to see you Duo. I want, well, goodbye."

Jesus! My head just seems to be swimming so much I can barely find the slot the phone fits into. Now, which button did they say called the nurse? Yellow, white, red or peach? (10) But luckily for me the nurse from before came back in and gave me what I suppose was her mean look when she saw I hadn't touched the food on the tray next to the bed.

"You can let Duo Maxwell visit. But no one else." As I said this I reached for a bowl of some kind of mush. Most likely applesauce.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Mr. Yuy?" Well, doesn't she just look utterly pleased. Damn.

"Yes."

"Very well then." She walked out of that damn white door with a giant fucking smile on her face showing just how little priority she puts into her teeth. Was this really the best thing to be doing? Gawd, I don't think I can finish this. I suddenly feel very sick to my stomach...

Maybe I should just try and get some sleep? Yeah, sleep sounds good. (11)

oOo

TBC

oOo

1) I do NOT mean alcohol, he was dehydrating himself severely and all and I'm not sure about hydrating a person in a coma, but that's what I'm guessing those IV's are for! Because I honestly have no clue... But my friend told me after she was in a car accident that they make you have to pee really bad, so yeah, that's an understandable assumption, right? And I'm not sure if at this point it would be so bad on Heero's throat that he would have to suck on ice cubes so as not to damage his throat or upset his stomach, but I'm not going to do that, sorry if I should have...

2) You know, thinking back on this, I don't think that Heero ever found out Treize was the one in the suit, but I could be wrong. Oh, this is a snippet from Heero's Episode Zero for those who got confused.

3) Not sure on the spelling but it means 'blink blink'

4) No, I did not make this fucking woman up. She was my counsler in the 7th/8th grade and I HATE her! I swear if I ever see her again she will not get away with anything less than a brocken arm. Anywho, she really is constantly smiling and is a compleat air head. We called her Ms. Bullshit.

5) Gawd... I really think it's easy to tell I bull-shitted my way through that little part...

6) I'm actually not sure this is possible. Aren't the mag.'s a criminal gang or something? I never really completely understood that part in the episode Zero, I know they were trying to get ransom, but they never said if they were major criminals, if they'd been pardoned or what oh well, I'm using that for my story ;;

7) Trowa never actually finds out Catherine is his sister, actually, we never REALLY do either, it's all assumed. Even if that little girl DOES look an awful lot like Catherine, as far as I know, it was never out right said in any interviews or manga's or info pages or anything ;;

8) That's probably not a word... I keep wanting to say annulled but I don't think that's the right word either

9) This may be a bad description for some who don't understand total lockdown, I'm not sure it's a very good description at all, but it was explained to me by a friend who'd recently been released from jail. I love her, she's so awesome, and it's not coz she's a criminal, she had a minor felon I think... She's actually a great person now that she's cleaned up and been to re-hab.

10) These were the colors of the buttons the last time I went to a hospital, which was like 7 years ago, and I'm not sure about the peach. So feel free to tell me what you know them as if it will make you feel better.

11) I think I wrote that near the end of chapter one as well, oh well, I like it.


	6. Chapter Six

Tourniquet

(Duo POV)

It hurts, that he feels he can't trust me. But I can't blame him really. I've practically dropped everything in my life now that all this has happened. Quatre brought up an interesting topic the other day. As much of a moral thing as finishing school is, none of us really need to. We could all get jobs with the Preventers, have action filled lives, or desk jobs, both are available. Quatre still has plenty of money, but the WEI is kinda, destructed... His father made sure of that, and who can blame him? They've managed to get things back up and running, but it will take a long time to get things back like they were, so Quatre has mainly let some of his sisters and some of the Maguanacs handle it.

Besides, I think we would all prefer something that helps protect people and prevent another war than filing papers for a resource satellite. Well, I would anyway. Right now though, I'm going for the whole teenager thing, school during the day, part time job at the local pizza place and four hours of sleep each night at the most. But Heero, I just have to wonder what he's been doing? I know he never got a job, hell, none of us needed to, we all were able to keep money we smuggled out of OZ during the war.(1)

Why did you do this Heero? Do you think we don't care? God, if only you knew Heero, I love you so so much, I won't be able to go on if you can't make it through this. Work was one of the hardest things today, but now I'm home, I'll leave for the hospital in a moment, to see if they'll let me see you today. Look Heero, I've started talking to you in my head, how odd is that?

I just need to check my email, phone, and change into some normal clothes that aren't stained with pizza grease.

ring ring "Hello?"

"Duo! I'm so glad you're there! Did you get any messages on your machine?"

"What?" Why look at that, I have 2. "Yes, why?"

"Have you listened to them Duo?"

"No, you kinda called right before I could."

"Duo."

"Trowa? What happened to Quatre?"

"The nurse just told us you have access to see Heero."

"...I'll be right there."

oOo

(Heero POV)

I want to sleep more, why don't they just let me sleep! This damn person has been shaking my shoulder for what feels like 5 minutes now! Fine, if they don't stop soon, they'll regret it.

5...4...3...2..."Heero! I know you're awake." ...Duo... shit...

Well, I suppose I'll have to open my eyes now. But it's so bright! Gah, my eyes are watering, I must have been asleep for a while...

"Heero."

"Duo...?" I can't believe it, he seems happy now, why should he be happy? What is there to smile about in a situation like this?

"Hey, Heero." Why is he whispering? It's not as though my ears are super-sensitive. Oh, I did snap at everyone before... "So, you gonna tell me why I'm the only one who can see you, not that I mind." He's smiling. But it's kinda sweet, and comforting, not like before.

"I wanted to see you."

"You did, huh? What about the others? They're real worried too you know."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not Heero! We all care about you so much! Even Sally and the others want to know what's going on, although I'm not sure why they think there's anything wrong."

"They don't know?"

"No Heero, I only told Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, and it took me a while for that even. No one else except the staff knows. So Heero, you gonna tell me why you did this?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because... There's just too much, okay?"

"Well, is it something I did?"

"No! Yes... I mean no, it's just, just, well, I can't believe I told you that at the restaurant. You must think I'm disgusting!" I don't remember when I sat up and pulled my knees up, but now I'm hugging them and hiding my face, but I don't want to see Duo face, he'd probably blocked that out by now... Such an idiot Heero, moron! "Stupid fucking prick..."

"Back to this again, Heero? Stop beating yourself up would you? Look, I don't think you're disgusting for being gay, fuck Heero, it's like a dream come true! Do you have any idea how long I've had a crush on you? Hell, I'll never forget that time you fell asleep on the shuttle... God Heero, don't you get it? We all care about you, I fucking love you Heero, please belive me, please!"

Love... me? No... No it can't... No... Oh god... No... "Your lying, you have to be."

"No Heero, I love you, I love you so much!"

"Even after this!" Thrusting out my wrist I almost wanted to throw up right then and there.

"Yes, Heero! This does nothing but make me care for you more! I'm so fucking mad at myself for making this the way it had to come about, my confesson should have been so much sooner! But if we work together now, we can fix everything. We'll put you back together!"

"I'm not BROKEN! Don't say that! Thre's nothing to fix damn it!"

"Heero, I- I din't mean, I'm so sorry, Heero. I just-"

"gasp Don't cry, Duo. It's my fault, I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"No! You had every right, it was my fault, I shouldn't have said that."

Can this all be real? God, I'm so scared. I don't know what to do...

"Heero, you might not want to do that, there is a needle in your arm..."

"Wha- shit!" Why is it that I never noticed how much that hurt until he said something?

"Hey, Why don't you just sit like this..." Actually, I can't say I didn't at least enjoy a little bit having Duo moving me around. I ended up with my knees and below hanging off the bed and my hands limp by my side. Duo got up next to me, I suppose he didn't mind his knees resting on a stiff metal bar, and said, (2) "I got you a present."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to. Look, isn't it cute?" It's a little bear. It reminds me of the one I wanted to give to Relena...(3) Well, this one is white, but it has the same basic shape. A lot of bears don't look like this anymore, it's soft too. I have a feeling though this isn't the ribbon it came with.. But this purple looks nice I think... It's has blue marble eyes like mine... Well, no, I suppose they're more like buttons, uh, half sphere buttons... Oh well.

"Thank you, Duo. I like it."

"Great! What are you gonna name it?"

"Name?"

"Yeah, everything has a name Heero."

"Alright... I'll name him Odin."(4)

"Odin? That's a nice name, any special meaning?"

"Yes." I'm not saying anything else and that's that. He seemed to take the hint and didn't push the subject.

"So Heero, did you want to go back to school? Because as long as you agree to therapy, we can all join the Preventers Special Unit. Or you could just get a desk job if you wanted. Well, even if you still wanted to go back to school they wouldn't let you until you agreed to have regular therapy, school's are like that."

"I'm not going to stop." Oh god, I can't believe I just said that! I can't stop fidgeting now, as long as I don't look at him everything will be fine.

"What? Heero, look at me!" Fuck. "Heero. Why?"

"Because. I need to. I like it; it helps me."

"Heero. Please, give this a second chance, we can help you. We'll give you some anti-depresants and you'll see a therapist every week, and-"

"No! Duo, don't you understand? I don't want to stop! It's who I am, stop trying to change me!"

"Heero, I'm sorry, but you can understand that I don't like this, right? That I don't want you doing this to yourself, Heero. This isn't normal! There are other ways of dealing with your stress!"

"You think I don't know that? You need to understand this Duo, this is who I am, I cut myself, I'm paranoid and neurotic! gasp Duo, I don't know how to be any other way, and I don't want to learn. I'm so glad that you seem to actually give a shit, but trying to change me like this, it's just going to blow up in both our faces!"

"Fine. Fine Heero, I'll do some research, I don't know. But if this is what you want, I won't say otherwise, just, don't do this again. Promise me, Heero."

"I can't. What if you die, or if you decide you don't love me or something?"

"Heero, I don't know the future, but I'd like to believe I'll never leave you, and if I die, I'd like you to get over it, but if you don't, there's nothing I can do about it. At the very least Heero, promise me you won't try this again for at least five years. Please."

Five years? Well, I suppose that's better than forever. Fine, five years. "Five years."

"Thank you, Heero. Now, the woman I talked to said that you're not stable enough to go back to living on your own, so how about you come home with me? They said you can leave now if you'll agree to go to therapy."

Therapy? I don't want to do that, but I want to get out of here. Maybe they'll just try and get me off the track of suicide and nothing else? But Duo can do that on his own... Well, how bad could it really be? "Fine."

"Great, I'll go see if I can get you checked out, then we'll stop by your apartment and get some stuff."

Duo walked out of the room and suddenly,I felt rather odd. Not like a wieght had just been lifted, but more like I had just added so much wieght that now I was six feet under and still breathing.

oOo

TBC

oOo

1) They probably never needed to do this, but hey, I don't give a damn.

2) Once again, all my hospital descriptions come from a few trips seven years ago.

3) Alright, in the theme song the bear Relena sees belonged to the little girl Heero inadvertently killed. At the end of one of the after series manga's, might be blind target, I don't remember anymore, Heero tells Duo to give Relena a bear, but he... erm, accidentally forgot it in his car :) Nah, Duo really did it by accident, he tried to get it in time if I remember right, I suppose Duo isn't a very jealous person, ne?

4) You should know who this is. If you don't go look at Heero's Episode Zero.


	7. chapter seven

Tourniquet 

I want to get out of here as soon as possible. This room. How can I even call it that? It seems more like a cell, a prison. I got up a while ago, to ask where there was a bathroom. I noticed a few things. These windows are double paned, the blinds in between; only the nurse can adjust them. They keep trying to get me to leave the room, to go socialize with all the other patients. They dont understand, I dont want to socialize. If I have to talk to anyone, I only want to talk to Duo. Is that so hard to understand, to accept?

Either way, they dont like that. They want me to talk openly with lots of people. They need to understand that I dont want to do that, thats what matters right? What I want? I said I was willing to try this therapy thing; shouldnt that be enough for now? Shouldnt it?

I hope Duo comes to visit soon, that way I can leave sooner Hopefully. They still want me to take a psyche test before I leave. I dont know if it will prove anything. I know which answers they want me to put, and I know which ones to put to say Im fine But will I? Im not sure what lengths I might go to, to get out of here, away from these people. To get away from here, and to be with Duo. He has to like me somewhat, right? He did come here; he called the ambulance, and stayed with me the whole time in the car Not that hed jump out in the middle of the drive Duo, theres only a few hours left until visiting hours are over? Are you going to come?

After eight, they wont let you see me any longer tonight. I wonder if you will make it, or if youre even going to try

A nurse came in here today, suggesting to me that I should try keeping a journal. Im not too sure I like that idea. Anyone could pick it up, read it, and interpret what I wrote how they fell. A lot of feelings could easily get people hurt that way. And Im sure that if I did keep a journal, it would be one where I write something and a therapist writes a comment at the end. I doubt Id get a good therapistone how would tell you to keep a journal for your own good, and not ask to look at it. Then there are always computer journals, even online journals. But Im not too sure I want random people who dont even know me reading what I think of things, how Im reacting to everything. Besides, Id probably get hate mail from the hate mail victims.

I might not mind it if I wrote something and then Duo commented. But then theres the possibility that he takes something the wrong way. Or suppose I wrote something about him and it all gets blown out of proportion. Maybe thats not such a good idea after all.

Ive been watching more and more TV since I got here. Theres really nothing else to do here except socialize, and Im not going to do that. But do you have any idea how many judge shows and talk shows they play? Dont these people have anything better to do with their lives? Well, well, looks whos talking. But still, I would never sue Quatre even if he owed me a 1,000, or if Wufei ruined my living room. But then again Quatres a millionaire thanks to that resource satellite and Wufei had such a strict upbringing that none of that really matters. Besides, if you cant afford to loan the money, than dont loan it, right?

Then again, people always said I couldnt be human so maybe Im smarter than your average Joe. Although, Im not sure who I am anymore. Being the perfect soldier wasnt easy, but in the war it came fairly naturally at times. Going to school and being around all those people, as just another citizen, it was so much harder. Im not sure I can handle that kind of life. No, I think this situation Im in proves fairly well that I cant, dont you think?

And now I'm here... I'm sure they were all shocked. Living in their oblivious worlds, they never took the time to notice. And that might just be something else that gave me that extra push. But it seems my cliff has a side cliff. I'll just have to try harder next time I suppose.

No one can take this away from me! I'll do what I want! I'm sure Duo has to be doing this for himself, just like I'm being selfish with my own death. He can't really care that much can he? It's just not possible! And after the way I snapped I'm sure the others never want to see me again. I can't really blame them, I wouldn't want to see me again either. But then again, I live in me, I have no choice.

It's funny, that all these pointless things are what circle around in my head all day. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea... Actually, I'm probably too screwed up for them to help me any anyway. Even if I did attended it regularly, I'd bet it would take six years, at least, to even make a dent. And even then I'm sure it would be a 'fake dent'. That annoying nurse would probably tell me I'm being pessimistic and that I should lighten up. I really don't like her. I have a feeling Duo would probably want to get her fired. The fucking bitch. Fuck, wouldn't that be funny?

I don't think Duo is going to come back today. Oh well, might as well put the TV on. See what's playing.

I don't like sitcoms... they're much too predictable, repetitive. I suppose everything's been done before and it's hard to make something new, but still! I really hate those judge shows... I can tell from the very beginning of who's going to be found 'guilty'. Does that make me a good judge of character? No, look at the 'friends' I've picked up now.

Am I being too hard on myself? No, I need to be hard on myself. Can you possibly understand that? It seems too confusing and mass to even me... But it does make sense, somehow... What would Duo think? But then again, that's pointless to ask; he'll never find out about these kinds of thoughts I have, I'll make sure of that. Somehow.

He doesn't care enough. No one does, not even me. That's just the way it is sometimes, I suppose. And somehow, I'll get him to forget, and then I can continue my 'life plan'. I need to figure out something more complete, something full-proof. I don't want to fail again; I don't want to end up back here!

No, what am I thinking? I can't possibly... but I can, and I am. Just because I failed it doesn't mean that I've suddenly 'seen the light' and all is better! Hell, it's fucking worse now! My life is now a nightmare and I'm supposed to embrace it with open arms! I think fucking notI'd sooner blow up the whole damned hospital.

Why is it that even though they hate me, they have to keep me here!

"Mr. Yuy? Is something wrong?"

What? My god... I'm crying... When? How long...? Was I really that deep in thought...? Why did she have to snap me out of it? I could have slept forever!

But no, that's something I'd wantcan't have me getting something I actually want, now can we? Why that would just be all to fucking perfect. "I'm fine."

"Alright, Mr. Yuy, you have a visitor, Mr. Duo Maxwell. Will you accept him?" What a fucked up way to put that, sounds like I'm fucking marrying him. Now that's a thought...

"Uh, yeah sure." Hmmm, am I really sure this is what I want? Do I really want to see him? Maybe I should call the nurse back and tell her to tell him to go to hell... He obviously doesn't care. He timed it just perfectly so that now there are only 15 minutes until visiting hours are over. He obviously doesn't need to talk all that bad... Or wants to, for that matter... He got to have a day completely devoid of my presence; Duo must have been thrilled.

Why is he bothering to even come here? I know he hates me, so what's the point? Doesn't he see that if he plays with me like this he's only going to hurt me even more! I don't want to be hurt anymore, and especially not by him!

"Heero?" He sounds so unsure... Maybe Quatre or Relena made him come here. Why else would he be here so late? What other reason could there possibly be?

"Hi... Duo."

"How ya' feeling... buddy?" He sounds like he could start bawling any moment now.

"Does it really make a difference!" Ohhh, I feel bitchy today.

"Heero! I asked because I care! I want you to be happy, damn it!"

"Then get me the hell out of this jail! How can ANYONE be happy here!" Shit... I just had to explode like that, didn't I? I seem to be doing that more and more lately. And at the same time my life seems to be spiraling more and more out of my control.

"Heero?"

"...Yes?"

"Quatre... He can get us... He can make it so that we can live together, but we'd also have to move in with him. One of his sisters in staying with him, Basma, and she's agreeing to be a type of 'home nurse'. If you'll go to therapy once a week, and you'll move in, then the hospital will agree. If you agree, we can get you out of here first thing in the morning...?"

"fine." I never once looked up at him; even when I answered him, I was staring at my hands in my lap. And surprisingly enough, I really don't like this new plan.

After that, we just sat there. Duo followed my example and just stared at his hands. Neither of us said a single thing for the rest of the time. It was only when a nurse walked in telling Duo visiting hours were over that he spoke. "Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow, ne Hee-chan?" He gave a small smile, and then left. During the small exchange I never once took my eyes off my hands.

It was a miracle in itself that I was able to get to sleep that night, even more so that I was able to do so rather quickly. I felt so stressed, and yet I was able to go straight to sleep. Odd, don't you think?

oOOo

In the morning, a small plastic bag had been set aside my bed on my nightstand, holding the clothes I'd worn when I came in, and my brush, and other things I'd been brought. So I suppose it's really happening... Well, I suppose they've already gotten my stuff from my apartment. I would have preferred to do it myself, but I doubt that would happen. But then again maybe I'm assuming too much and they haven't.

Pulling on my now cheap, soap smelling cloths I couldn't help but feel nervous again. I'm going to have to see Quatre and the others again now, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that... After all the things I said... And now I'm gonna be LIVING with them!

I wonder if anyone even knows about this. I haven't seen it on the news, which I find rather odd. I suppose everyone is keeping this 'hush-hush' for my 'recovery'. Fuck that...

My hair is greasy, it makes me want to scrape it all off, pull it out strand by strand. But I'm sure I'd be staying here in the psyche ward if I tried.

I'm glad Duo's managed to find a way to get me out of here, but I'm not sure it was all quite worth it. Am I really going to be able to pull all of this off? Do I really even know what exactly it all is that I'm now subjecting myself to? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I swear I'm about to start shaking. But alas, a nurse is here to walk me down to the lobby. Let's see if I can stay standing...

There are so many people here. Children, adults, elderly, staffso much going on all at once. No one else seems to mind, but for me it's getting harder and harder to breathe. My stomach is doing flips, I'm sweating, and my eyes are starting to water. In short? I'm not sure how much longer I can handle these halls!

Yes! The elevator! Getting there the nurse pushed the button and the doors opened. Letting out five people, I quickly walked in and push the 'close doors' button, only having enough time to let the nurse in. An elderly couple had seemed shocked that I hadn't held the door for them, and that I had in fact done the exact opposite. The nurse gave me a disapproving look but didn't say anything; it didn't matter to me. Other than me there were three others in the elevator, including the nurse (it still wasn't comfortable), but it was better than being all cramped up to the brim, right?

I know the elevators are fast, but the time still seemed to stretch on forever. I was unnerved. I mean, who knows what they could be thinking? She might be thinking of a way right now on how to keep me here. I'd fucking hate that, might even push me into killing her...

When the doors opened again I nearly jumped back, there were seven people waiting rather rudely right in front of the doors. The nurse placed her arm over my shoulders and led me out of the elevator, down a few halls. She may have thought this would be comforting, maybe she was just annoyed. Either way, it didn't help my situation in the least. I wanted to crouch down next to a wall and scream and cry, tell them all to get the FUCK away from me. I think I'm going to be sick...

But apparently we didn't have time for that because she speeded up, taking me down the hall in a power-walk type of pace. My stomach now felt like it was trying to crawl right up out of my throat. It's starting to hurt so much I can't breathe...

I decided it would be best if I just looked down at my feet as she continued to lead me around, otherwise I might just do something rather stupid with this plastic bag...

"Mr. Winner?"

"Heero? Heero, what's wrong!"

Oh god, I think I'm really going to be sick now. There are way too many people here. They're all so close, why won't they just back off and leave me the fuck alone! He's so close; Quatre keeps touching my face as if he's gone blind. The nurse is crouched down and someone is rubbing my back. When did I get on the floor? I can't take this! Stop touching me! Get away! Your stupid little 'comfort' doesn't do shit, don't you get it! Oh god, I need to get out of here, and now. I can't stay here a moment longer!

So I ran. I held my breath and ran straight out of that damned hospital.

As soon as I was standing in the parking lot I fell to my knees, hands keeping my body up on the pavement. I couldn't feel my body anymore, I couldn't take their closeness anymore, I couldn't take all these feelings wrapped up in my body. It all just hurt far too much, I couldn't take any of it anymore! I threw up right there on the pavement, making a lovely mess, the act taking all my energy as I fell face first into it (I think I might have hurt my nose). It all just hurt so much. And now not only having a mess of vomit on myself, I had blood pouring from my nose.

How wonderful.

But there's no need to worry about that, because my vision was starting to lighten, it would be black soon.

oOOo

I've no idea how long I slept, it feels like no time at all has passed. But even as fuzzy as my sight is I can tell I'm not in any hospital. Plus there's no annoying needle in my arm. It was dark in the room; it makes me want to just lay here forever, to never move. I was so comfy, so wonderfully warm. But I can't get back to sleep now, so what happened? I was in the hospital then... Fuck. I can't believe I did that! Now I'm sure they're gonna send me to some mental hospital, or at the very least, house arrest. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? Of course I'm going to be under house arrest, when was there ever any question about that! But I won't let them brainwash me, no matter what. I'll do what they want, but they can't make me do anything serious like that! I won't let them! I can't... I wont.

"Heero? Are you awake?" What? When the hell did Quatre come in! Maybe the door wasn't closed? I can't possibly be that rustythat soft! And why the hell is he being so damned nice? He should hate me, after the way I treated him. Shouldn't he spit on the ground and tell me to go to hell?

"Where's Duo?" Well, you can most definitely tell I haven't had any water recently.

"He's at your apartment packing up your things. Both Trowa and I offered but he said he wouldn't let us... Heero! I'm so sorry! We should have noticed..."

Why is HE apologizing! What did he do wrong! It's entirely faultI'm the only one who should be apologizing! Why is he crying!

"Oh god, Heero! I'm so sorry!" He ran towards the bed I was now sitting in and hugged me. I would have pushed him away, but for some reason I didn't quite want to. He was clutching onto me so tightly, crying. I didn't have the energy to push him away from me, even if I'd really wanted to! So I just sat there and let him hold me, let him cry onto my chest. When he finally pulled away about fifteen minutes later, his eyes were red rimed and salty crystals trailed his face. I didn't quite know what to do now, so I asked the first thing that came to mind.

"And what about Wufei? Where is he?"

When Quatre's eyes grew wide and he looked away, it was like as if someone had reached into my chest and kept my heart from beating. Suddenly my whole body felt cold. "Well, he... You see, he was brought up very strictly... To be quite honest he didn't like the fact that you needed our help so badly. He finds the whole situation to be rather weak..."

"You mean he finds ME weak." Just fucking great. Wufei hates me because I tried to kill myself. Great fucking help with the self-esteem! And so then why the fuck was he in the hospital anyway!

"Heero! It's not like that. You see, he didn't like what had happened, but he really snapped, well, after you did." You see, what did I say? I knew that was going to swing back and hit me in the face. I just thought it would be Quatre.

"I'm so sorry, Heero... Maybe we should get something to eat, just forget about Wufei for a while?" Food? I can't eat right now. No way in fucking hell.

"No thanks, I'm not that hungry."

"Heero, if you don't eat I'm gonna drag you down stairs and shove fork-fulls of food down your damned throat, got me?"

"Duo!" Duo? He has a box in his hands. I wonder how long he's been standing there Quatre got up to go talk to him alone; he set the box down when he saw that.

Well, I might as well get up now I suppose. Its obvious I'm going to have to eat something. That thought just seemed to upset my stomach more than it had been. Then again I'm not sure I'd even be able to keep it down if I did eat it.

I wasn't wearing the clothes I had on the last time I was conscious. Now I had a large dress shirt and a pair of boxers on. Wouldn't it just be perfect if I had a pair of sunglasses on now? Funny, you'd think I would feel 'violated' that they had undressed me and redressed me, especially in something so revealing. But really, I don't give a damn right now. How could I have freaked so bad and messed up like that!

"Heero, I brought all your stuff up into the hall. But we didn't know if we should just put it into the room here or another one. Did you want a certain view? Or did you want to share a room with Duo?"

What the hell? Why the hell does it matter! "Here is fine." Besides, why the hell should I tramp around this damned mansion looking for a 'perfect' room! Hrph.

"Alright. Well then, lets go down and get something to eat. Trowa's waiting in the living room. Then we can come back up here and get you unpacked ok, Heero? Duo's going to be just down the hall, Trowa and me are just around the corner. Umm, I think you know Wufei isn't here... Basma is staying on another floor... Trowa and I won't be home much, sorry..."

"Quatre! Food, now! I'm STARVING!"

Surprising, that almost made me want to smile at him. Maybe this wouldn't make Duo sullen after all.

oOo TBC oOo

1) I think I needed to add this plot twist. I was just so afraid this was sounding more like amanda02's fic, "Scar Tissue". It's not supposed to, but I'm sure it does . I've been trying so hard, but that fic is just held so high by me, sometimes I can't help it. I don't really like Wufei playing a TOTAL ass, but hey, it might just give this fic some needed character

2) Umm, I've never seen the actual movie this is from, but apparently this scene is quite popular. They've used it in lots of other movies, what was it? Risky Business? It was Tom Cruise... I think ;; Yeah, I don't watch too much TV, or many movies for that matter. I live on my computer really. :;


	8. Chapter Eight

Tourniquet

I followed them down halls and stairs alike, staying about four feet behind them. I felt like I was left behind, but at the same time I felt comforted by the distance. We walked by so many turns and staircases that I had no idea where we had started. Being so preoccupied, so confused, and not having to be on alert 24/7, it keeps me from committing all surroundings to memory. I've unconsciously let myself relax. I'm not sure that's a comfort like it should be. I feel more on edge now than I ever did during the war.

But then again, it was much easier to hide then. Being suicidal is a natural element in a war, when you're fighting. Being withdrawn and obsessed with completing a mission is never glanced at twice. Everyone is so confused, so busy, so self-involved. But in peace, all the grimy shit becomes more obvious, and people start to notice at just the worst moment possible. If I had been able to continue acting the way I did during the war, do you suppose they would have noticed me sooner? Or just ignored me more? Most likely the latter.

I stopped when Duo and Quatre started walking different directions. Which way was I supposed to go? Why did they go different directions? Is Duo lost?

"Heero? Quatre's getting Trowa, remember? This way." Duo grabbed my hand and we walked like that down the last few halls and a final staircase into a large dinning room. We walked through a door on the far wall from where we entered and walked into a huge kitchen, island tables scattered throughout.

"Well, well, good morning sleeping beauty." (1) The woman sitting at a small coffee table to my left smiled up at me and Duo; unnerving really. Wait, what did she just call me? What the fuck? Sleeping Beauty? Isn't that some kids' story? Why the hell...?

"Heero, she was just joking. There's no reason to get so confused." Confused? Do I look confused? No, this isn't confusing, that damned psyche test was confusing. And then I fucking looked back through the damned thing and made sure all the little rectangles were filled in all the way, not too light, never going out of the lines. No, I'm not meticulous; not at all. (2)

She wasn't all that pretty. Surprising really, if you're going to make a person in a lab you'd think you'd have it truly perfected. Or maybe they wanted imperfection, like the real stuff. She had dark brown hair that seemed to shine a light golden color, dark eyes, and tanned skin. Almost the complete opposite of Quatre really. (3)

"So is it time to eat now? I'll make some soup and sandwiches. I'll make you some toast instead of a sandwich Heero- Oh! How rude of me! I'm Basma Winner, it's a pleasure." She reached out her hand, a large smile on her face. It made me want to throw up. But so as not to seem rude, what a shame that would be, I reached out and grabbed her hand. What happened next I was no where near prepared for. She tightened her grip on my hand and pulled me close, hugging me.

I couldn't breathe. Why? Why did she do that! Get way from me! Let go! I tried to push away but she wouldn't let me; I could hear Duo telling her to let go.

"Please! Let go of me! Let GO! I can't- gasp can't breathe!" Finally she let go, although rather reluctantly. I fell down to the floor, my legs giving way to my weight. Duo was down in front of me, a worried look on his face. He used one hand to hold me up from behind, resting on my back, the other hand rubbed circles on my face. I wanted to cry. Quatre made me feel so awkward, but Duo made me fell like I was going to shatter in a thousand pieces, but that felt good-in a morbid scene. I didn't want to leave Duo, I didn't want him to let go. He pulled me up onto my feet, keeping one arm around my shoulders, a bit awkward since we were about the same height. When my breathing returned to normal, Quatre and Trowa decided to make their entrance.

"What's going on? Heero? Are you alright?"

"He's fine Quatre, just fine." Her voice sounded cold and snipped, even to me.

Duo took a step back and was going to remove his arm. I reached up my hand, grabbing his and keeping his arm around my shoulders, "No... please, Duo." I chanced a look up at him; he was smiling sweetly, happy to oblige. He squeezed my shoulder and leaned in a little closer to me, causing me to blush lightly.

"I'm fine, Quatre. Trowa."

"Heero." Trowa tried to make eye contact, but I just kept my eyes on the door behind him, I didn't want to look him in the eye; it was too hard.

Duo turned me around and pushed me down lightly into one of the chairs. I was still blushing. He pulled one of the other chairs close to me, maybe a few inches apart and sat down. He pulled a basket that was in the middle of the table close, pulling out a small black box. Pushing the basket back he opened it and revealed the black and white marble chess pieces. The gray streaks reminded me of lightning, jagged, unpredictable lines that cut through everything without a care in the world. (4)

I picked up the king and queen first, putting the king on the left of the middle spaces, the queen next to it. (5) It reminded me of Relena. No matter what everyone thought, or thinks, I always felt Relena protected me more in the war than I did her. Even though I was the one fighting, she stayed strong, physically, emotionally, in every way she was strong for me. Almost more or so than Duo.

Setting up the bishops, nights, rooks, and finally pawns, I looked up and met Duo's eyes. He smiled and told me it was my turn. I looked down and realized he was right-I was white.

Trowa and Quatre sat down shortly after, glancing at Duo and I every once in a while; they probably suspected we had a special relationship. Don't they get it? He feels guilty, he feels like it was his fault I tried to kill myself, that he could have prevented it. Ha! What a joke, besides, why else would he be acting so nice and all? That has to be the reason; he doesn't want to 'fail' again, so he's keeping a closer eye on me.

I hope Wufei doesn't do something similar. As much as it hurts that he reacted the way he did, I'd rather have him act like that then be touchy feely nice like Duo. But with Duo it's different, because I've always wanted this. So what if I have a slightly double handed way of getting it? So what if I'm just fooling myself by doing this! I'll do what I want.

"Here's you're food." I dropped the bishop I was holding at her voice. It had been so quiet, but now all I could hear was the jingle and tinkle as the marble hit the floor and rolled across the tile. I jumped off the chair and scrambled to pick it up, examining it for cracks, dents or chips-eventually sighing in relief when I didn't see any.

Before sitting back down I looked Duo in the eye; it had seemed he was the only one I was able to do that to. "Duo, can we... uhm, go somewhere?" I kept my voice as soft as I could so that he would still be able to hear me. He smiled and I felt a light weight lift off of me, glad that he didn't mind. I picked up my glass and plate, being sure to balance it in a way that the bowl didn't clank. Duo picked up his, dismissing the sound. He flipped a careless smile at the others and said we'd bring our dishes back.

We walked over to a door near the opposite side of the kitchen which led to a small hallway. It must have been ten feet long, and we exited the house through the farthest. We walked off the deck, ignoring the table set up and sat underneath a tree with roots sticking up out of the ground. I sat down on a rather large root, getting as comfortable as something like that would allow. Duo leaned up against the trunk and slid down, bringing chips of the bark down with him.

It was nice out; the clouds were light gray, bumpy in areas. A cool breeze was about, not enough to really do anything however, and sitting in the shade was even better. These were the pros. However, being outside meant there were bugs. An ant tried to crawl onto my plate. I flicked it away. There was the most annoying bird 'singing' on the roof of the deck. I could see a spider crawling up the tree trunk. (6) Fucking nature...

I sipped at my soup with a spoon, not bothering to blow. I enjoyed the slight burn it left while traveling down my throat. The toast, however, I had no intentions of touching. I hate this kind of bread-the kind being rye bread, I mean. Didn't she suggest toast to make sure my stomach stayed eased? Wouldn't rye bread just upset it more? Oh well, the point is, I'm not eating it. I went to take a sip of my water, but placed it back on the ground when I noticed there was a chip of bark in it. No way in hell was I going to drink that now.

"Here." Duo held his glass up to me, half empty already.

"No thank you." Apparently he wasn't satisfied. He held the glass up to my lips and I took what I planned to be a sip but Duo tipped it, causing it to become a full fledged drink.

"That wasn't so hard now was it?"

"Yes, it was as a matter of fact, I feel rather sick now."

"Wha? Do we need to go inside? I can take you back to your room, and you can rest and we'll put your stuff away later-"

"No, I'm fine, really." I moved so that I was sitting next to Duo-half my ass was still on the root, causing a rather awkward feeling. I laid my head down on his shoulder, and closed my eyes. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, causing me to not only blush, but smile slightly. I leaned further into him, tipping my glass of water over. I was going to rush forward and place it back upright, however, Duo's grip tightened keeping me there.

"Don't leave me, Heero... Please?"

"Hai... Duo-kun"

We just talked after that. Never keeping one topic for too long. I know if I looked back at his time, tried to remember what we talked about, I would never remember. It's conversations like that that I love, you get an emotion when you look back, not really remembering any details, just an overall scene.

I just can't help but wonder though. will I ever have a feeling like this again? Is this what it feels like to be content? No. I know that if Quatre or someone were to walk out here, I would jump away from Duo. If you can't fully accept and comprehend something, then you can't be content, right? That's the way it works sometimes, right? You either have one or the other, never both.

I suppose that's a good way to describe anything. Or maybe not, that would defeat the meaning of a yin-yang right? Because that represents unity in all aspects. That there is no line, right?

Will you unify me Duo? Or will I recede further into myself after all this is over?

I'm such a fuck up. I don't make any sense, not even to me.

oOo TBC oOo

1) I hate it when my mom does that to me... I'm sleep deprived, meaning I don't get ENOUGH of it, why would she say that! okie... anyhoo...

2) Yay, I used a vocab word... sigh I remember when I had vocab words like 'school', 'friend', and 'house'.

3) I don't believe Quatre actually ever found out he wasn't a test tube baby... I'm fairly sure he didn't... Both Iria and his father died before they could, right? Well... we all know he actually had a real mother.

4) You know, I think I remember some of then playing a game of chess while their all together at that one point in the series... I think it was Trowa and Duo though... I COULD go through my DVDs and find out but I'm lazy, plus I have my Armageddon DVD in right now ;; Gawd I love Rockhound Anyhoo, yeah... I was gonna pick checkers, but then I thought chess would be better coz of that. It really doesn't matter either way since I don't know much about 'em. I know more about chess though, so yeah...

5) I always put the king on the left; does it really make a difference? ;;

6) Don't worry Sekra, I'm not going to give Heero my incredible fear of spiders, he's a gundam pilot, trained to kill. :)


	9. Chapter Nine

Tourniquet

I ended up falling asleep in Duo's arms. I really must be exhausted, because I'm in my room now and I never woke up in the process of being moved. I feel rather ashamed now. I can't believe I let myself do that. I was such a sniveling little fucking baby! How could I act like that in front of Duo! 'Hold me...' Fuck! Am I supposed to continue acting like that now! How the fuck did I get into a mood like that anyway!

I'm going to be sick; this is just too much...

Rushing into the side bathroom in my room, I emptied the soup I'd swallowed down back up into the toilet. The warm feeling of the sound did not feel so good coming up as it had down. Yuck, I think some of it got into my nose... Why is it that when you throw up it's full of stomach acid and shit? It makes my eyes water from the sting...

Once my stomach had settled I just sat there, head still leaning into the toilet bowl. I sat there breathing deeply; the odd smell of the toilet was a comfort. I remember when I was little I would just lay in the bathroom and fall asleep. I liked the smell, sanitized with the blue cleaning stuff... Maybe it has some kind of toxic ingredient and that caused me to become fucked up... no, I was fucked up before that... Maybe someone dropped me on the head when I was a baby?

Who the fuck am I kidding? They probably threw me to the ground.

Why did I act like that? Why did I let Duo hold me like that? Shit, I practically fucking crawled into HIS lap. How could I be so stupid?

But... It did feel nice, to be held in his arms like that. He smelled nice. His skin smelled like flower-scented lotion, and his shirt smelled like detergent. Is it weird, that I find those to be nice smells? I should have just sat there, why did I do that! And why did he let me? He just sat there and held me, in his warm hands, so-

NO! I can't think like that! I can't... Damn it, I'm already getting hard... Shit, I can't jack off here, not now! I'll rip open my cuts...

What if someone walks in here? No, I'll just lock the door; I'll be ever careful and not swing my arm too fast...

Duo...

oOOo

Later that day Duo came into my room, asking me if I wanted help unloading my stuff. I had forgotten about that... I said I could handle it, but I wondered if he could help me move the boxes into my new room. Once we had them in Duo smiled, looking like he was about to say something. But then he just turned and walked out.

Did I say something? No, of course I did. How stupid. He hates you now; he thinks you are some stupid clingy little dolt! A suicidal dolt to boot. Fucking hell, why do I have to be such a fuck up? I know he hates me, it's obvious! So then why do I keep tormenting him with my presence?

Simple, because it makes ME feel good. Humans are greedy and selfish. It's a natural human trait. So then why do I feel like such a god damned JERK! I'm sure there had to be something else I could have done. Well, I suppose there was always the option of pushing them all away and digging myself a huge emotional pit. No wait, I've already done that; they dropped a ladder. But it's not a very good ladder apparently, since I keep falling back down.

I hate this, all I want to do is be left alone, to do whatever the hell I want, including nothing, and they won't fucking let me! Why are they acting like this? Why are they pretending they care! It's obvious they don't so why bother? I know they all want to follow out like Wufei did. I mean, why would they want to be around me, much more 'help me back up on my feet'?

He only helped me with the boxes and stuff because he felt obligated, right? Wait, the boxes, I forgot... Well, it won't take very long; I really don't have that much stuff anyway. Maybe about five boxes full-and they aren't really large boxes either, I might add. Maybe 15''x15''? I have all my books, mainly things I had to buy for school, my laptop, and some disks were shoved in one box. Two others held clothes, shoes, and hygiene necessities. And the last two boxes just held all the random things from my apartment. I grabbed the gun I had kept from that day I met the little girl, empty. It figured Duo would have taken the bullet. And to think I was saving it especially for this... Oh well, I'll get it back.

I picked up a small wooden music box I had bought in an Asian store on a colony in L1. It had been lacquered and was a dark cherry color, sakura branches and butterflies adorning the top.(2) Opening the box, music started sure and strong, causing me to jump. This was where I kept very special things. I had a picture of Duo and myself, at one of Relena's birthday parties. A school picture of Relena, another of Duo. Quatre had given me a group picture of us gundam pilots from when we were on Peacemillion framed, but I only kept the picture. Then there were two sheets of sticker pictures. Duo had dragged me into a booth once during the first war, then again right after the Mariemaia wars. I'd never used any of them. I had six of each picture. Duo had cut the sheets in half so that we'd both have some. I wonder if he ever used any.. Most all of these pictures looked brand new, not worn at all. I like it that way, but somehow they felt cheap anyway.

I shouldn't be reminiscing. I should just pick all the damned stuff out of the boxes and get it over and done with. Shove all my clothes in the drawers there and put my laptop on the flat, smooth surface of the dresser. Now where can I put the box... I'd feel childish putting it under the bed... Perhaps in the closet then? There's a shelf up there right? Opening the closet door proved that indeed over the metal pole there was a thin white shelf. I placed the box up there and turned back to the dresser. I suppose I should pick out the stuff that needs to be hung up...

Walking back to the dresser I pulled out the two suits I owned and a few jackets, hanging then on wire hangers in the closet. (1) I think that should do it for that, I thought, shoving my shoes at the bottom of the closet. Wow, it looks so full, a pair of running shoes and dress shoes. Slamming the closet door closed I walked back over to the mess of boxes. I grabbed one of the junk boxes and lifted it up onto my bed. It held a lot of spirals, some for school, others I had just used for the hell of it. They were filled with doodles and poems, just little thing s I did when I got board. You see, I have tried other stress management, and it doesn't fucking work, so there.

I seem to have lots of little meaningless things shoved in here. Mainly paper, stupid things I'd jotted down. Then there was the project I had been working on for my jewelry class, a set of earrings. I'd carved them out of wax, one was shaped like the head of Wing, the other Deathscythe. I'd cast them and was working on the final emery so I could apply the pre-polish. But then I freaked, and I doubt I'll ever finish them. Oh well. I wonder what Duo thought of them, they're just floating around; he had to have seen them. He must think I'm even crazier now, wanting to cling to such a horrific past.

Well, then again, how much worse can his opinion of me really get? Why did I have to think that? Now I know it's going to get a whole lot worse. It always does after a comment like that.

Why the hell am I thinking like this anyway? I should just unpack all this stuff... no thinking... Grabbing random stuff and shoving it in random places is the best way to organize after all.

Finally now that I'm done with these boxes, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? Hn, I'll just stack them and set them outside... heck to see that the coast is clear, check. Set boxes down-

"Hey, Heero!"

"Ack!... Hello... Quatre..." Shit, where did he come from! I looked both ways! I did, damn it!

"We'd like to talk to you, downstairs. So if you're finished here...?"

"Uhh, yeah... What do we need to talk about?" Why do I even care!

"Uhmm, you'll see." Now I so do not like the sound of this for some reason... Perhaps I'm simply being paranoid. I mean, they wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want, right? That's what they keep reassuring me with right?

Walking down into one of Quatre's living rooms I saw that Trowa was sitting comfortably in a love couch, Basma relaxed in an armchair, and Duo was hunched over on another couch. This can't be good, why does Duo look so upset? I sat down next to him and he only seemed to slump down more. Perhaps I've upset him? Maybe I should have sat next to Trowa? But then Quatre would be mad. Why didn't I sit in the other armchair! Oh, there's a cat in it...

"Hello again, Heero."

"Hn."

"I've been thinking, ever since I met you I've realized that you have more problems than I thought." Excuse me? Aren't you a doctor? Why then hell are you telling me this? I always hated people sugar coating everything, but to be so blunt hurts even more, especially since everyone else is here to see my reactions. "I think it might have been better to give you some time in a hospital, short term at first probably. But your friends want to keep you here. So we've come to a decision to try another method. I honestly do not think it will work in just trying to act normal around you and help that way. In fact I believe that will do more harm than good. But a friend of mine has been working on a new drug that helps people in exactly your situation, Heero."

"MY situation! And tell me what exactly is MY situation!" Who the fuck does she think she is? I'm not taking any drugs to make me 'better'! Especially not new, and most likely, experimental drugs. Shit, is this why Duo looks like this? I could just hit her, beat the fucking shit out of her! Not only is she trying to dope me up, but she's hurt Duo as well! How dare she hurt MY Duo!

"Now, Heero, just calm down. I'm not trying to say that you're crazy or anything, just that you need help, and that's why I'm here. I'm trying to help you, and to be quite frank, you really don't have a choice in the matter. The hospital and the court has given me full custody of you for the time being. I have every right to administer this drug to you, considering I am not only your guardian but doctor at this time."

"You can't-"

"I CAN and I AM. Now listen Heero, this drug is called Dephimilitine(3), so far it's shown to be very safe and has impeccable results. I think it is the best thing that could have ever happen for you."

"Damn it! Why are you doing this? Why can't you just let him be! I was doing just fine; he was starting to trust me!"

"Duo! Don't you get it? It's part of his disease, wanting attention. He isn't going to get any better if you just keep giving him all this attention! All this suicide stuff and cutting, it's all his way of getting attention! He needs professional help, and that's what this will do, along with his therapy and this drug, Heero will be able to overcome this for the rest of his life!" What the fuck? Why are they talking about me like I'm not even here? And why does Quatre think I want so much attention? I hate getting attention. And what does he mean disease? I don't have any disease! Fuck him, fuck them all, I'm not going to sit by and let them do this to me.

"He doesn't want attention! He doesn't need any drugs! Don't you get it? He's not crazy! He just needs to know people are there for him and that we care about him!"

"You're so naive Duo. He's just using you, getting all the attention he can. He's sick and needs to be fixed, and that's what we're doing!"

"Fixed! What the hell do you think he is? Some kind of broken toy? He's a fucking human being, can't you see that? You can't just pump someone full of drugs and sit them in a room with some stranger and expect them to suddenly feel that all is right in the world!"

"Now that's just it Duo, this drug will do exactly that. It makes the human brain register things that normally upset and sadden you happy. And things that make you happy continue to do so. He won't ever have to feel sad again, and that's only the start of things. It's been specially designed for those suffering the after-effects of adapting to life without war."

"What! Are you trying to say that if someone died and he was on your damned drug he would laugh! That's fucking sick! You can't take sadness and shit away from someone! That's only going to make them even more fucked up!" Stop talking about me like I'm not here! Stop it! Can't you see I'm right here? I'm sitting right next to you Duo... Stop it...

I can't breath, I need to get out of here...

Getting up I thought for sure someone would stop me, tell me to sit back down, but they all just kept arguing, none of them even noticed I'd gotten up and walked out of the room. I need to get somewhere high, someplace I can think. Walking up staircase after staircase, dozens of corridors, I finally found what I supposed was the top floor. Why does Quatre have to live in a giant house? No, a mansion... It must be ten stories high, why would anyone need a home so large?

Walking down the hallway I noticed it was coated in a thin layer of dust, perhaps it just shows that someone really doesn't need a house so large. There wasn't much furniture or decorations here. Also showing the lack of life here. If felt nice, so empty, so unpersonalized. Unlived in, empty, no memories lingering in the corner, no thoughts from yesterday down the hall. Opening a door on my right I walked into the room, and that made it seem like only more dust lingered here. The room was completely empty, even the window seat was unapulsterd, bare wood.

Walking over to it I opened the window and sat down so that my legs were hanging outside. I could see the tree Duo and I had sat under yesterday from here. It seemed so much smaller from way up here, so insignificant. Is that how I looked next to Wing? That's how I felt I think. How sad, that I compare life to that of a tree and house... mansion.

Why would she want to give me an experimental drug? Am I really that fucked up? That I need so much help she has to resort to such options? Quatre seemed to wholeheartedly agree with her but... I don't like it. Not one bit. I should be able to do this on my own, I shouldn't need the assistance of drugs. And Duo was right; I really was beginning to trust him. I don't want to take any drugs and rely on them, I like these feelings better. These are real. If I take drugs I'm afraid I'll go back to hurting myself. Because I'll know that's real. The other feelings would feel cheap, don't you think? But then again, what she said about it, what it does... Does that mean that even the feeling I'd get from cutting would be taken away from me by some chemicals, and turned into something else? I couldn't stand that, I wouldn't be able to, it would be too much.

Do you suppose I can run away? Maybe if Duo and I go together. But then how will we make it in the real world; you need money, jobs, a home. It will be too easy to track us back down. It looks as though I have no choice. How is this possible? How could this have turned out like this? Where did it all go so wrong? I can't believe that I could have possibly screwed myself so far that I would need such drastic help. People attempt suicide all the time, why is mine so special! So what, I'm a gundam pilot, or I was... I was trained to be an assassin and an MS pilot from a very young age, does that mean I'm crazy?

And besides, now that I think about it, even though it was all built up, the war had nothing to do with me attempting suicide. I tried to end it all because Duo hates me.

That's right, he hates me. Duo... Hates me...

I could jump right here, right now. Fall down to my death. What do I have to live for anyway? My so called friends obviously don't care, Quatre is ranting about how broken I am, Trowa really hasn't said anything. Duo might be fight for me, but there has to be a double reason for it. Basma, well, she's just a bitch. And Wufei-

"Heero." Snapping my head around so fast that I noticed my hair falling back into place, cool against my skin, my eyes locked with those of Wufei's. Why was he here? And how did he find me way up here? "What do you think you're doing Heero?"

Deciding that he wasn't going to attack me, I turned and looked back out the window. "Thinking. And tell me Wufei, why do you think I did it? Why do you think I tried to... tried to kill myself." I asked this in a way that it really didn't sound like a question at all, but I really didn't have the energy to actually ask it.

"I suppose you couldn't take something anymore. Perhaps you were trying to bend yourself too much, and snapped? But I'll never know Heero, because I'm not you. So please tell me why you snapped like that? Did you want to die so badly that you didn't care about the effects it had on all of us, Heero?"

Is that what they all thought? That I didn't care about them? I always thought they didn't care about me. Funny how things always turn out differently then you expect them to. "I'm sorry... I'm so... sorry... Wufei. I just... I felt like my whole head was full of static, and that all of it was fake. I needed to yell, and scream... I was so weak... I AM so weak..." This was only proven to me further as I felt my eyes burn and salty tears run tracks down my face. I was even more ashamed when Wufei walked closer and sat down next to me, back facing the window.

"Shhh. It's ok. You're not weak Heero, you saved us all. You saved the entire earth. You can save yourself too, Heero. You can save yourself." How cheesy... When was Wufei ever this cheesy?

I thought he hated me, after the way I acted in the hospital. Why is he trying to console me now? He looks so sincere though.

And so I just sat there, trying to figure out what was going on, the both of us just staring at the other. What could he possibly be thinking? Finally turning my gaze away, I looked down at my hands which I held in my lap, trying to think of something to say. I heard Wufei take a large breath as if he was about to say something, but when I felt a hand land down on my back, I jumped away from the light force, right off the sill.

The next thing I knew I'd left my stomach on the wooden seat and was slamming face first into the outer wall of the house, and strangely enough I'd felt afraid. Wufei had grabbed my wrist, preventing me from falling to my death, and I was glad. I didn't want to die like that. Not here, not now. Perhaps I didn't want him to take the blame, or perhaps I didn't want it to look like I was trying to escape medication. But I knew I didn't want to die then. I wrapped my hand around Wufei's wrist and looked up at him. He looked so worried, scared even. I couldn't help myself, but I started laughing. Even after I'd pulled myself up back into the room with his help I kept laughing, so hard my stomach hurt and my cheeks felt worn. I couldn't get the look on his face out of my head, the feeling I got when I feel. It was all so surreal. And it was all made better by the fact that Wufei was laughing too.

It's funny really, one moment I was so mortified and upset, and the next I was laughing so hard. But the best part is.. nothing was funny. In fact, the more I laughed, the more I felt like crying.

oOOo

T.B.C.

oOOo

1) Does this irk anyone? I know it pisses the hell out of my sister, wire hangers. I really don't give a damned, I like the padded ones best. ;;

2) I found a box like this in a store on Sakura square, the owner is real nice. 

3) Meh, I just made that name up, if it's a real drug I'll be surprised, and damned sure it's not the same thing. o.O


	10. Chapter Ten

Tourniquet

The more I laugh, the more it seems to hurt. I've got this terrible feeling flowing all through my body now. It doesn't really affect me from doing anything; it's an icky throbbing pain that never ends, emotional yes, but slightly physical. Like the emotional pain is starting to control and take over my physical.

I know Wufei knows I'm not okay now. I've started crying as I laugh, my arms wrapped around my stomach are now there to hold my body up. Maybe this is what Quatre felt like when he snapped? Too bad we don't have our gundams anymore; the ZERO system might clear some things up for me... But then again who knows how many people I would take down in my journey of self-discovery.

There's no use trying, I'd only fail in the end anyway, I always do.

My laughter is slowly but surely turning into sobs. It hurts, to breathe, to move, fuck, even the tears on my face sting! Do we only know that we're alive by the pain we feel? Is that any way to live? Does everyone feel like this, and I'm just weak, decided I just couldn't take it one day? Maybe that's what it means to wake up on the wrong side of the bed...

"Heero? Heero, are you alright?" What the hell kind of question is that? Do I look alright! Maybe if I just shut up and stop crying he'll go away. Come on now, just bite your tongue and stop the sobs! Right, now if I could just get my body to stop shaking... "Heero?... Heero, please say something... Are you hurt?"

But I don't want to say anything. If I talk I'll start crying... I'm not strong enough... Just let me be. I'm not worth the effort of talking to; I'm not worth it so go AWAY! Save yourself the pain Wufei, just... Just leave... If you keep asking me questions, my new mask might break, it's still so fragile... If you stay here I might try more, just let me pretend, won't you? Just let me believe I'm strong, and that nothing's wrong, alright?

"C'mon, Heero, let's go downstairs, I'm sure the others are wondering where you are..." Wufei grabbed me by my wrists, pulling me, but I didn't bother to help. He realized I wasn't going to get up on my own so he wrapped his arms up around my upper torso, underneath my arms. He pulled me up to my feet and then went to walk out, holding my wrist. But I didn't want to go, so I just stood there, like I had just sat there and let him do the work. He turned and glared at me, but it didn't matter much. He said something, but I didn't hear him. I realized there was an intense ringing in my ears only when he spoke, I could see his lips moving, but heard no sound. I felt dizzy, and my throat was clogging up from crying, I realized then that I was going to pass out.

I hope when I hit the floor, it hurts, because I feel hallow...

oOOo

When I had woken up I felt strangely detached from everything. Like I was living in a world through a glass box. I always felt like I was on the outside of everything, but now I felt strangely trapped on the outside. If I had to describe this feeling in depth I don't think I could, it's just too far off from everything and anything.

I was lying in my new bed, in my new room in Quatre's house. I couldn't remember anything that had happened recently, just an uncomfortable ache that was all too common. A bout of self-loathing, anguish, physical and metal pain all rolled up into a huge ball trapped inside me, being eaten at by the little sperms of guilt. You never know which one will go the deepest and make the whole process snap. One day it all seems the same, and the next I'm carrying a baby of guilt about something or another that will someday pop out of me violently and painfully. That must've been what happened before. I thought that it must have been something like that, but perhaps I would have had to have been carrying twins, or more.

But I was just laying here on my bed, thinking about what all had happened-what got me where I was today. I remembered nearly falling to my death, laughing so hard it hurt and I couldn't take it anymore. It was then that I realized why I felt this way.

Looking down at my arm I saw a medium sized hello kitty band-aid over my inner elbow, a stark contrast to the rest of my skin. I felt strangely sick to my stomach at the sight, knowing that it had happened while I was asleep, totally incapable of protesting. That that was the reason I felt this way. And yet, as suddenly as the feeling had come, the drugs in my system flushed it away; except it left the ball in my stomach. If I have to take any drugs at all, I'd like to take 'guilt-away' because then I wouldn't give a flying fuck. I could go put a bullet through my head and have no worries. J stopped me before with the oncoming threat of the war. Duo stopped me, no idea there. But next time-

knock knock

Shit. Oh well, I'll just act like I'm sleeping...

"Heero? Heero, are you awake yet?" It's Quatre...

"Hai..." What the fuck? I didn't want to say anything thing! I wasn't even thinking about saying anything... what the hell! Is this stupid fucking drug some kind of truth serum as well! Fucking hell... I'm so...dead...

"Great! We're almost done with dinner, would you like to come down with me now?"

"Fuck no."... Alright, maybe this isn't so bad. What the fuck am I saying! Of course it is! I have no control, what so ever! I might as well walk over to the window and jump, but the damned drug probably prevents that too.

I couldn't see his reaction, considering I really wasn't looking at anything other than my hands which were only a few inches away from my face. But I hope he was shocked as hell, I really do. "It's ok, Heero. The anti-depressant in your medication probably just hasn't kicked in just yet. Don't worry, you'll be all better in no time, smiling and laughing like I know you really want to."

"Fuck. You." Smiling and laughing like I always wanted! Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what I always wanted! Fuck you and fuck everyone else in this god-damned house, there's no WAY in fucking hell I'm getting up out of this bed. I'm so tired of this shit! I let myself believe that just maybe I was going to be able to get over this on my own, that I could be that strong with a little help from Duo. But no, that's been blown clear through the window. You and your god-damned sister have fucked everything up! Why can't you just let me be? Why! I just want to do things on my own, my own way, in my own time. Is that really so wrong? Well!

"Now Heero-"

"Go away, Quatre. I hate you, so just go away." I'm not sure it really hit him that I was completely serious considering everything I said was even more monotone than it ever was before these damn drugs. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll have some strange side-effect on me and I can get out of taking them.

Fuck, look at me! I've only consciously been on the damn thing for minutes and already I'm acting like it's been forever. What kind of fuck up thinks like this? Maybe I do need them; maybe I can't do anything on my own and my only hope in a needle.

"Heero, I'm not going anywhere, and you'll just have to get used to that. Now get up, we're going downstairs to eat dinner and in the morning you'll be going to your first therapy meeting."

My body wants to get up, I can feel that, but I won't let it, I won't! Mind over body, right? I just want to lay here, I want to memorize ever little speckle on these damned white walls. I won't let anyone order me around anymore. I won't. I won't. I can't.

"Heero! Get UP!"

"No"

"Heero!"

"Quatre! Leave him alone! Haven't you done enough! Just let him be damn it! If he doesn't want to go downstairs for dinner I'll bring something up for him. It's not so bad! Why can't you just let him try and be happy on his own, damn it!"

"Duo! He's never going to get any better if you just let him do what he wants to do! He's like a baby. You have to do everything for him, even if he doesn't want to do it!"

"Oh, is that so? We have to do everything for him, huh? Well, then why don't you stick one of those damned syringes in your arm and see how you feel! Why don't you take Trowa to weekly therapy?"

"You know what I meant!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Quatre! What the fuck has gotten into you! What the hell did he do to you to make you act like this? All he needs is someone to stand next to him and hold his hand so he doesn't fall, he doesn't need to be doped up on all these drugs and ordered around like some ingrate!" I looked up at them, to see what all was going on instead of just listening. Why are they fighting over me like this? I can't actually mean that much to them, right? It's not possible that some stupid shit like me might actually have an impact on them...

"Yes, he does Duo! How can you not see that? He's too deep for us to help any other way! He needs the drugs and professional help! I'd put him in a hospital for a while if I knew you wouldn't throw a royal fit about it! This is a serious problem that needs to be fixed as soon as possible! What if he tries to hurt himself again!"

"He's more likely to hurt himself with the damned drugs going through his system just so he can feel something other than a damned drugged up numbness!"

"That's a lie!" Because I can't feel... I'm dead, the dead don't have feelings.

"No, Quatre! The only person lying here is you! You're lying to yourself! Now get the fuck out of here and let him be for once will you! Did you EVER think that maybe he had reasons for feeling this way? That maybe it takes more than one person? No, I don't suppose you would." Duo pushed Quatre out into the hallway and slammed the door shut behind him, leaning his forehead onto the wood for a moment.

"Duo?..." He didn't say anything. He didn't even move, just stood there, silent. I could hear him breathing and the slowly fading footsteps from the hallway, but he never made a move, or a sound.

As little as I talked, as little patience as I had for people who wouldn't stop talking, I didn't like people not talking. I wanted Duo to say something, anything, as long as it filled up the silent void. It was okay for everything to be silent here, when it was just me. But when I was with someone, in a situation like this, silence just didn't feel right. So I have to think of something to say, something to get him to talk. "Thank you."

Was that bad? Should I have kept my mouth shut? He collapsed on the floor as soon as I said it, it must have been wrong. "Oh Heero... I'm so sorry... I don't know what's wrong with them all! Why would they do this? What did you ever do!"

"I... I don't know. I'm sorry Duo..."

"Stop apologizing to me, damn it! You didn't do anything wrong!" He snapped his head up and locked his eyes with mine. I suddenly became very conscious of my body, of my breathing, nothing was in sync now, just from one little look. Why is suddenly mad now? Did I do something again? "Damn it, Heero! Stand up for yourself and tell them not to give you any drugs. Go to the damned therapist and tell her that they fuck you up! How are you supposed to 'get better' if your too drugged up to tell up from down!"

"Duo... Why are so interested in my life? If I'm being drugged up, you should just be happy your not me, right?" I truly didn't understand any of this. I thought he wanted to hurt me at first. Then I thought that just maybe he really cared about me... But now...

Jesus, I mean, it hasn't even been a month yet right? How can so much be happening so fast! Shouldn't all this stuff have a week or so in-between at least? Shouldn't this take a long ass time! Why then, why is it all flying by faster than I can grasp! It's making me wish I was back in the wars. At least I was in control slightly; at least I knew what was going on... I was thrown for a loop at every turn or going the wrong way down a one way street. Why is everything so fucked up now? Is this my punishment for killing so many in the war? If so, then I should have died when I blew up that chunk of Lebra... None of this pain would have happened then. I'm sure the others could have managed Mariemaia without me, right?

I'm being selfish, aren't I? I can't even have self-pity and whatnot right, can I? Such a fucking screw up... Stupid fucking idiot!... "I'm such... a moron..."

"Heero?"

"I'm so sorry... I just can't do anything right, can I? I can't... I'm sorry... I just... I'm so... sorry..."

"Heero, what are you saying? You don't need to cry, you didn't do anything wrong. I shouldn't have snapped like that..." Crying? Why is it I never realize I'm crying... It's not like it's hard to know, and yet I never know... I'm always crying and I never know... Just one more thing to add to the list I suppose.

"You didn't do anything Duo. You're fucking perfect! I'm the screw up; I'm always fucking it all up! Can't you see that? I'm not worth it, I'm not worth anything! Just go on, just leave me and let me be drugged up and get on with your life, I'm sure you'll find someone better. Go live with Hilde. I'm sure she still loves you or something..."

I heard him stomp closer, stopping right up next to the bed. He grabbed my face and just glared at me for a moment. I must say, I was scared. I wanted to back away into the wall of my bed. I just wanted to get away from the touch. "Heero. Heero, you need to understand this. I. Love. YOU. And no one is going to stop me. Even you, there's no way in hell I'm leaving you alone to fight this war! You're stuck with me buddy, whether you like it or not." He's lying, he has to be, right? Why would anyone love someone like me? He probably wants to get out of this room as soon as possible; he just won't now because I pegged it.

I turned my head away, out of his grasp, "No, you don't."

He leaned down towards me then, turning my head back towards him gently, and surprisingly enough, he kissed me. Again. His lips were dry but still soft, it felt weird, really, but somehow I liked it. He wasn't asking anything of me or anything like that. It was just like he wanted you to be there with me, for me. Maybe it's not him that doesn't love. Maybe my walls are so thick that I can't tell him I love him back... I can't trust him like that, right?

I'm such a fuck up. No, really, I am. I really am... I find that strangely funny for some reason... I can't stop laughing, but it's not like before...

"Heero? Heero, what the hell is so funny?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing... I just... I can't stop laughing..." I feel kind of dizzy now, and my chest feels strangely empty, but it's all so funny. This can't be normal... Do you suppose the drug is kicking in more now? Is this how my days from now on will be spent? Laughing when I want to cry, eating when I want to vomit... This is not what I want at all. how can this help me? "Duo... Duo, hold me?" I'm so weak. this is the second time I've done this... But, I can't do this... It's too much, I should be laughing! I shouldn't feel so insecure and yet I do! I can't control anything, even my own fucking words are control by this damned drug now, how fucked is that!

He didn't say anything, just crawled up onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me. It felt nice, having a nice warm body to lean back into. It's not that I felt safe, but I felt... warm? I don't normally feel cold, or maybe it's that I don't normally realize that I do. But when you're put into a different environment you see the differences, you know? Like that saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone, except the other way around.

I still can't stop laughing. Actually, it's more like giggling right now which is more than annoying. I just want to sit here and cry or something, and yet I'm giggling. I now have a strange urge to reach out and tap Duo's nose. How weird is that?

"Heero, you want to get something to eat? I can run downstairs and get us something. You really do need to eat, I don't want you wasting away on me after all."

"Alright... But not too much, giggle I don't know what I can handle..." This really sucks, I can't even say a sentence without giggling... I'm going to beat the shit out of Quatre and his stupid sister as soon as I can..

"Ok, I'll be right back Heero. Right back." He went to get up and suddenly I realized he had to leave to go and get food. I reached out and grabbed his wrists, pulling him back up into my back. Laughing still, but it sounded tight. "Heero, I have to get up to go get the food... That means you have to let go."

"I don't want the damned food then..."

"Heero..."

"No!"

"Heero, what if I want food?" What? Oh my god I never thought of that, how fucking selfish! So of course as I started to feel VERY guilty and all I laughed even harder. I pushed him away from me and looked down at my hands. How could I... I should have thought of that.

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's fine Heero really... I'll... I'll be right back, I promise." I watched as he walked out into the hallway, closing the door only slightly behind him. As his footsteps faded down the hallway the door creaked back open slightly on its own, showing me just how alone I really was now, without him with me. I pushed myself back up into the corner of the wall and still on the bed and brought my knees up, resting my arms and head on them, still giggling. Well, if I never felt that I needed to be locked up, I do now. I'm about to fall and shatter into tiny little pieces again and I'm laughing. I do feel numb, like Duo said, but strangely enough it amplifies everything. And then it's like there's a second skin, a mask on the outside causing me to laugh and smile when I want to scream and cry.

This can't be what I need to make me 'better', right? This can't be what I've been waiting for, wanting. Is that what you were trying to tell me, Duo? Is that why you always stand up for me?

God damn it, why can't I stop giggling? This isn't me! It's not me! I need it to stop, it feels like I'm itching all over and I'm going to explode if I can't get this feeling to stop... I need something... Anything...

Grabbing a pillow I shoved it onto my knees where my head had been and then wrapped it around my head as much has possible. My breath was hot in the cushioning of it, but that was okay. It soon got harder to breathe, which decreased the laughter... And that was good. I don't want to laugh, not when I feel like screaming...

Come back, Duo... I can't do this by myself...

"Heero! Heero, stop it!"

The pillow was thrown away from me and luckily the giggling seemed to have subsided mostly... I hate feeling so fake...

"Trowa.."

"Heero, what the hell were you doing?"

"Couldn't... stop the laughter.." I'm sure that sounded different than it was supposed to.. Maybe he thinks I'm crazy now, hearing voices or something. But it doesn't matter, he doesn't matter to me. Only Duo does. Only Duo.

"Heero, we're only trying to help you, can't you see that? Just let the drugs do what they need to, stop fighting them!" Fighting them? I haven't been, have I? How could I fight them, I've been sitting here laughing my ass off when really, I want to cry... That's giving in, isn't it? Isn't it! Why does everything have to be so damned confusing!

"Heero, you should come down to dinner with the rest of us. We're not going to force you, but you're not going to get over this sickness if you hide away up here with Duo."

"What sickness, Trowa? I'm not sick. I'm not."

"Yes, you are, Heero. This is a serious disease!"

"Disease? No, I'm not sick. I'm not sick at all. You are. You and you're little boyfriend. You just can't let me be happy can you! All I ever wanted was to be with Duo, openly, and when I finally start to be able to get near that point, you fuck it all up!"

"You're delusional, Heero."

"No... no-"

"You can talk about this with your therapist, because I don't care. Don't talk to me until you can admit and realize that you're sick and need some serious help." What's going on here? Why do they all hate me so much? Sure, I tried to kill myself, but aren't people supposed to be nice and try and HELP you get over things? Not push you down every time you try and get p and ask why you're on your ass again?

I don't understand any of this, not a single thing...

"Trowa, leave him alone. He's gone through enough and he doesn't need this crap from you too."

I listened as Trowa walked out of the room, but Wufei never walked in. After a moment I looked up. There was no one there. They were both gone. Perhaps they walked down to dinner together, but I never heard Wufei leave... How odd.

"I don't understand. Why are Quatre and Trowa acting like this?"

Why?


	11. Chapter Eleven a and b

Tourniquet

Doesn't it just figure, that when you're at your lowest of the day, things just seem to get even worse? This stupid drug, I don't even remember what it's called. The point is I can't stop laughing again now... I suddenly just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to see me this way. I don't like crying in front of people, but this... Laughing in front of them, when I'd RATHER be crying in front of them just seems all the more worse to me somehow. As much as I want Duo here now so that he can hold me, so I can hold him and feel safe, I never want him to come back. I don't. That way he won't have to see me like this, keep acting like he cares for someone as pathetic as me.

But it's funny... Right now, right now I feel like shoving myself in a corner, and never coming out... It's not a new feeling, not in the least, but it is in the way that - that I don't want to die. It's the first time I've thought, 'I want to curl up in a corner' without adding 'and die'. I hope it isn't due to this drug, because I'm not sure the end justifies the means at all.

"Heero." He sounds serious. Maybe Duo has finally decided I'm not worth the effort. I wouldn't blame him if he did, no not at all. "Just... Fuck them, Heero, fuck 'em all! You don't have to let them get to you. Quatre and Trowa are... Well, I don't know what the hell's going on with them; I don't understand any of it. But don't let them drag you down to what they think you should be. You're more than that, Heero, you're stronger than that. I know you are."

"No, I'm not. I'm not strong at all." I've got tears rolling down my face and I'm laughing, I tried to end my own life, how can you possibly think of calling me strong? I'm weak, a weak little nothing who just follows you around waiting to see you smile. Don't you get it? Your world is my world, and I've shattered it, I've crushed it all without even trying...I'm ruining you Duo. Get away from me while you can... get away...

"Heero, you are! You, Heero Yuy, are stronger than you think."

No... I'm not, you just think I am, but I've shattered your world so much I'm sure you can't tell up from down any longer. You need to get away and re-build yourself. I'm only holding you down... so just... get away from me... "Get away..."

"What?"

"Just... go... Leave me alone, Duo. You'd be doing yourself good in just getting as far away as you possibly can... so just... just go, Duo, go." Trying to hold back new fresh tears seems so pointless, and yet I try anyway, but how can you hold a tear when its track is already slick, when the dam has already been broken? You can't, it's as simple as that, right?

But instead of leaving, like I thought he would, like I know he should, he wrapped his arms around me. He's decided it's better to hug me apparently, and if he's right, then why can't I breathe now? "Heero, don't say that... If I left you, then I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I care far too much about you to do that. Heero, I'll never leave you again, I promise. I promise, Heero..."

What am I supposed to say now? Thank you? I know? Do you mean it? Why is it that the more time I spend with people, the less I seem to know what I'm supposed to say?

"Heero, listen to me. No matter what happens, I'll always be here next to you - not in front, not behind, but next to you. We're equals, Heero. Equal. No matter how much pain you feel, no matter how hopeless you think things are, you can count on me to be there for you. Anything bad in our lives, we can just as easily turn it into motivation to make things better for ourselves! The world will just walk all over you if you let it, Heero. No one will care if someone falls, so you have to be strong, and make them care."

"That makes no sense whatsoever, Duo. How can you even think that! We're not equal, not at all! You're so much stronger than me, so much better! I'll never amount to anything. All my troubles will just pull me down deeper and deeper! You may be able to turn things to your advantage, Duo, but I'm not that strong. I'm not that strong, Duo." I don't want to cry, I don't, and yet it's all I can do. It feels as though I'm crying so much I can't think, I can't breathe... I can't do anything...

"No, Heero, you can! You can, Heero... You can..." What? No! No, Duo, don't cry, not you to! No!... No... Duo...

"What the hell is going on in here? I thought it was just Trowa, but Duo, you shouldn't be messing with him! He needs to be held in strict order! If these drugs are going to do any good, we need to shape him up!"

"No, don't you get it, Quatre! They aren't! These drugs AREN'T going to do any good! They only screw him up, confuse the shit out of him! Can't you see how scared he is, Quatre!"

Shut up... Be quiet, I don't want to hear this... Can't you all just shut up! "Why won't you all just SHUT UP!" Grabbing my hair I pulled my head down into my knees, letting the tears fall freely, a giant pain making its way to my head. All I wanted to do now was ignore the tears, ignore the pain in my thought, my head, ignore the turning of my stomach, all I wanted, was to scream. "Get out. Just get OUT! The BOTH of you, GET OUT!"

"Heero, what do you think gives you the ri-"

"Move, Quatre."

"But, Duo..."

"No, he wants to be alone, he NEEDS to be alone, can't you see that? What the fuck is wrong with you, Quatre? Why are you being such an ass? Just let him be will you? He needs to rest..." Rest...? Haven't I rested enough? It seemed like it's been weeks, months even... And yet it's only been days... So much is happening... And so fast. I just want it all to stop, all of it... Please.

"Just... stop... please."

You know, I only just realized, Duo's a rather cheesy sounding person. How odd, with all those lame cracks in the war, all the sappy things he's said to me. I mean, just his looks even, what guy walks around with a three foot long braid, and a deformed priest's outfit? Well, he's tosses that outfit away, but the point still stands. That makes me laugh, that I would fall for someone so odd. I had Relena chasing after me left and right, someone who became the queen of the world for a small time, and I chose some street rat from L2. It figures, but I suppose it's the one thing in my life I don't regret.

But none of them understand that. It's as though everything I do, every little move, it's all wrong. All I can do is mess up, and yet most of the time they don't even punish me for any of it! Even when I was captured by OZ, instead of keeping me locked up with Wufei and Duo, they had me fighting for them! I nearly got killed by Quatre after he made Wing Zero. And there was another trip all together.

Wait... Wing ZERO... The ZERO system, could it have possibly... no. No that's impossible! Quatre couldn't still be suffering from it, it was only for a small while, and we checked him, he's fine...

Right?

Getting up for the first time in what seemed like ages I took a walk around the house. I wasn't looking for anything, I just needed to get up. Get out. The halls all look the same: plush carpeting, ceiling trimmed, paintings and pottery lining the walls. It all just seemed too much, like I didn't belong. Such rich and plush surroundings aren't for some little war orphan who doesn't even know his real name.

Every once in a while I would walk by something that caught my fancy. There was a beautiful painting. Nothing special, but I liked it nonetheless. It was a landscape picture, as if you were standing on a grassy hill, under the shade of a summer's tree. Wind rustling the leaves over head. And out in front of you, the ocean. Deep and never ending, holding so many secrets, so many lives, all with stories of their own. A world of paths, a world of choices. It all seemed so vast, so wanting for me. But I'm sure if I was there, on that grassy hill over looking the ocean, I'd want to be here.

Turning away I suddenly felt very sad - thinking often has that affect on me. Taking out my walkman I'd brought in my pocket I started to play the CD I had in there. The lyrics which at one time had given me a kind of morbid satisfaction now blared at me in a different way.

I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real, The needle tears a whole, But only feel the sting, Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything, What have I become, My sweetest friend, Everyone I know goes away in the end (1)

It all just seemed too real to me now. Like I'd been in a fuzzy dream all that time before, none of it had mattered. It had all just been stepping stones to get here. But then again, isn't that true at any point in your life? It made me think. Do I hurt myself, to know that I'm alive? To reassure myself that I am in fact still here? What a dangerous way to do that. Is it really worth it? Is any of this really worth it? Worth what though? What is it I'm trying to get to? Why is it I blind myself - I should want to know what my goal is shouldn't I? And how often have I thought of what Duo must think of me, and he is the closest to me. This song is too much, it hits home to hard.

"How dare you!"

What? Is that Quatre? What's going on? Taking off my headphones and hitting stop I walked forward until I heard the voices the loudest from behind a door to my left. Standing in front of the door I listened.

"I'm sorry, Quatre, it's just..." Trowa?

"It's just that you're pathetic! If you didn't think so to start with then you shouldn't have ever gone along! It's too late now, Trowa! You have to keep acting as you were! Or else!"

"Quatre, I don't want to hurt Heero, I-"

"I don't care what you want! I want him normal! Who knows what he might do like this? He could attack us all in the night! Do you want that on your conscious, Trowa? Do you want to know that you could have prevented my death and didn't?"

"Quatre, he's not homicidal, he's suicidal! The only person he wants to kill is himself! Drugging him is obviously no help!"

"What do you know, Trowa! It hasn't even been a day since he's had them!"

"When's the last time you've seen him cry so much, Quatre? Forcing someone to feel anything other than what they are is NOT going to help them! If anything, you could be doing more damage than good!"

"You don't know that, Trowa! He needs these drugs to cure his disease!"

"It is NOT a disease, Quatre!"

"What do you know? You're just like Duo! Acting like his friend when all you really want is the credit for fixing him! Well, guess what? I'm his only real friend! What can you offer him? I'm the one giving him a roof over his head, food in his stomach, I'm the only one with money. I'm the only one who's helping him! You and Duo only stick around because you have pity for him!"

"Quatre, that's not-"

What? Could that possibly... no... NO! Duo! Tears once again started to stream down my face as nervous giggles escaped my throat. The CD player I'd brought fell from my hands and crashed to the floor. But it didn't matter, not if what he said was true... It couldn't be... no!

Stepping backwards and covering my face, back hunched, I wanted to run, to get away. It was then that the door slammed open.

"Heero? Are you ok?"

"Of course he isn't ok! He's suffering from a very painful disease!"

Stepping faster backwards to get away from the two, my lower back collided painfully with one of the tables holding an expensive looking vase with daisies inside. Losing my balance I fell to the floor, still crying and giggling. "Get away! I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear any of it!" The vase fell down then, cold water splashed down around me, yellow flowers danced in and out of my vision, triggering old memories. Memories I didn't want to remember. The vase shattered into thousands of pieces, the crash forcing me to go back.

The building had collapsed so suddenly, the screams, the fire. The looks on people's faces, the smells even; it all seemed too real. That I was actually there, living it, and not remembering. I saw the little girl that day, so happy and full of life, so innocently asking me if I was lost. Her little dog followed her around so lovingly. And I had ruined it all with that one building. I had to find her, I had to save her! And yet finding that dog, singed and lifeless, I couldn't look any farther.

"Heero!"

The pain... I don't want to think about it! I don't! "..no... NO!" Thrusting my hand out for the nearest shard of the vase I grabbed one and jammed it into my thigh, screaming at the pain. It let me focus on that, let me get away from my past, let me hide. I needed it. It cleared my head, made me feel pleasantly hallow almost. Laughing now, I looked up at them, tears streaming down my face. "I... can't get it back out..."

Trowa crouched down and pulled the shard out of my leg, and helped me stand, holding my left arm over his left shoulder. It was rather awkward, seeing as Trowa was taller than me. Hell, he was taller than all of us.

"What do you think you're doing, Trowa? He can walk on his own!"

"Shut UP, Quatre!" Damn, I never thought Trowa had it in him. "I don't know how you got it in your head that you are in any way helping him, but just piss off!"

"How dare you, Trowa!" The next thing I knew my head was snapped to the right and a throbbing started in my head. "Oh.. Heero! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... Trowa, why did you move!"

Quatre... Punched me. "Heero, can you hear me?"

"I.. can"

"Can you walk on your own, Heero?"

"I... No...? Duo..." And it was now that I decided to just stop my struggle in standing, a futile attempt to help Trowa. My knees buckled below me and I fell to my knees. It hurt my leg, but it didn't matter. Right now, I just felt so numb. How could this happen? Does Duo really only think of me as a pity case? That couldn't be, I thought I'd already figured this out... But now... What if Quatre is right? "Trowa, why do you pity me?"

"Heero. Look at me."

"No."

"Heero, I don't Pity you. I'm your friend, Heero, I just want to help you through this. Everyone hits hard times, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Heero."

"Yes. There is."

"What do you mean?" I'm not going to answer that. There's no way. I shouldn't have even said yes, what was I thinking? Why?

"He's not going to answer, Trowa. He's just stupid, talking without thinking about things first. He doesn't even know what he's saying!"

"Quatre-"

"No... He's right. I am stupid, talking before I think... I'm so, so stupid..." Tears once again began to fall down my face, burning the skin as they made shiny tracks on my cheeks. Nervous giggles and hiccups burst from my mouth every once in a while.

"Quatre, can I talk to you alone for a moment." He sounds so angry. Like any moment he's going to explode. I'm sorry, Trowa, I don't mean to be so weak. Please don't hate me... Please. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad, Trowa.

I listened as their footsteps took them back into the room they'd first been in. Once the door closed I didn't bother to strain my ears to catch their conversation. It didn't matter anymore. Why should it? Duo just thinks of me as some pity-case. Duo doesn't actually care. It's all been some big facade. None of it's real. None of it matters.

Quatre's right. Quatre's always right. He's always been more of a leader than me, always been the glue for us. Right? So, he has to be right... I'm just some fuck up, some diseased little screw up who can't handle anything. I appreciate Trowa and Duo's efforts I suppose, but, they should listen to Quatre. I'm sick... And Wufei. Well, I guess Duo or Trowa must have called him and asked him to put on a little act for me or something. That must be it.

"Heero? C'mon buddy, I'm gonna take you downstairs and we'll do something together, okay?

"Mhh... sure." I wasn't really listening to him, paying attention. My thoughts were so strong, pulling me back to them every time I tried to focus elsewhere. I almost wished for another piece of that vase.

I only realized we were going downstairs when taking the first step, which I wasn't prepared for, nearly knocked me flat on my face. "Whoa, you okay there, Heero?"

"Hai..."

We were about halfway down this flight of stairs when we heard a panicked shout of "Heero!"

"Duo! I've got him right here, calm down."

"Oh, Trowa, hey." Duo smiled at me right before his eyes moved to glare at Quatre. "Hey, what happened? Why are you holding Heero?" Duo looked me up and down before his eyes settled on my upper leg. "Heero...?"

I looked away in case he looked back up at me, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about any of it. Why did he have to find out? Couldn't he have just stayed ignorant? Now I'm sure his Pity will increase tenfold.

"Heero had a little accident, Duo. It's nothing to worry about. Once the medication really starts working, we won't be seeing any more of these... instances. Heero's Disease is curable after all."

"Disease?" It was a mere whisper that left Duo's tongue as he glared daggers at Quatre. However the blond barely noticed, as he turned with a smile on his face and continued down the stairs past me. "Disease? How dare - no, NO! It's not, I could Kill him!"

"Duo, settle down. I don't know what's gotten into Quatre - maybe he's in a shock of some kind. But just let it go for now, please? We need to get Heero's leg cleaned first."

"Right, of course, right... Do you know where Wufei went, Trowa? I saw him for a moment, but then..."

"Uhh, yeah. He's in Quatre's privet library. He came by to do some research for one of his Preventers files. Was there something you needed to talk to him about?"

"Yeah, but it can wait. C'mon, Heero, let's go."

Duo bent down and picked me all the way up, as if I was a mere child. "Duo, you don't have to..."

"But I want to, Heero." He winked at me and I almost wanted to cry. Maybe it's not pity. But if it is... if it is, just how much would it take for him to act like this? Too much. Just too much. I don't even want to think about that... I don't.

Making all the way down the stairs, Duo still didn't put me back on my own two feet and instead carried me over to the nearest bathroom. He set me down on the toilet, and then sat on the side of the bathtub as Trowa got the first aid kit out. If I didn't find being carried awkward enough the whole situation, now seemed enough to make me vomit. They acted as if there was nothing wrong with any of this. As if I hadn't just jammed a shard of porcelain most likely into my leg, as if... as if this was all normal.

That thought along made me sick. This is now how they think of me. This is what they think of when they hear my name. That's so sad... I don't want them to think that, I don't!

Trowa crouched down to my right and leaned over to wipe the blood away on my leg with a damp cloth. I stared. I hadn't even noticed the blood. How strange, it's going all down my leg, shouldn't I have felt it? Once he had cleaned away the blood I was surprised once again. The cut really didn't seem all that big. I guess it's deep, but still. It's surprising, that a cut so small looking would bleed so much. And it was then, lost in my thoughts, that Trowa poured some disinfectant into the gash, making me gasp in pain. It stung, it really, really stung. I ground my teeth together as it continued to get worse. Duo wrapped his hand in mine, taking my death grip off of the toilet seat. I hadn't even realized I'd been holding it. Trowa wiped away the disinfectant and placed a bit of ointment on my leg and wrapped some gauze around it.

"We'll need to have Basma give you stitches when she gets home, Heero, this looks pretty deep."

"What are you thinking, Heero?"

"Nothing."

"You're lying."

I didn't answer, because it was true. I'm a liar. I lie to myself every day. My whole world seems to be made of lies.

TBC

1) I think that's a song by NIN, but I don't know... I have it on a mixed CD a friend gave me :;

-it's Hurt, by nine inch nails; thank you Satanic-Purple-Onion (what a great name .)


	12. Chapter Twelve

Times New Roman Title: Tourniquet 12?

Author: forever01n02

E-mail: 2x1 3x4 although it's not main 5/5 (I still don't know yet.)

Warnings: Language, Suicide attempt, YAOI, YURI, and a large possibility of HET, Heero POV and some may find certain statements disturbing, bastard Quatre, experimental drugs.

Author Note: Thank you Satanic-Purple-Onion for the confermation of the song. As far as the title tourniquet comming from Evanessances song the answer is flat out no. It's great that she has fans and they happen to like this fic, but I personally don't like most teen idols, especially not religous bands. So, since this question has been brought up so many times, I feel I have to make a statement. This will here on out, when refered to as a song fic, be for Marilyn Mansons song. Please, no one give me comments that he too is a teen idol and was raised ina religous family. He makes fun of his own fans in his songs, and they still blindly sing along, you've gotta give the man his credit.

'_I wrapped our love in all this foil_

_Silver-tight like spider legs_

_I never wanted it to ever spoil_

_But flies will always lay their eggs_

_Take your hatred out on me_

_Make your victim my head_

_You never ever believed in me_

_I am your tourniquet'_

Tourniquet - Marilyn Manson

Tourniquet

The next day all I could think of was one thing. I really feel like dying right now. Why did Duo have to see me like this? I never wanted him to see me like this... But then again he was the one who broke through the fucking door at my apartment. He has seen me an inch away from death... Why did I have to live? Why couldn't it all have just ended then? I'm sure they would be going through much less pain, they could all just forget.

Forgetting would be nice. It really would. Perhaps I can make myself forget... Just, forget everything.

"Heero, would you like to go to the store with us? We'd like it if you came along; I'll buy you something okay, Heero?" I jumped at Duo's voice, remembering I wasn't alone.

"Whatever." I was grateful for Duo's helping hand in standing back up.

We turned to head back up the stairs as a sharp sting of pain laced it's way up my leg, causing me to loose my balance and fall, taking Duo with me. He grabbed my arm to try and steady us, only managing to make things worse as the pain shot up my nerves and my legs gave out all together. "Go- Gomen!"

"It's ok, sorry..." Nothing else was said as we continued on our way up the stairs. Going into my room Duo got out a pair of jeans and a green tank top. I think he did that on purpose, since I always used to wear such an outfit. "We're gonna have fun, ok Heero?"

"Sure." How could you say that? Fun? Yeah right... It doesn't matter... None of this matters, I'll always just be a fuck up.

Limping down the stairs once again, leaning most of my weight onto Duo, we slowly made out way outside to where Trowa was waiting with a car. Duo opened the passenger side door and motioned for me to get in. I awkwardly bent down and slid into the seat. I felt a bit odd as he closed the door for me; I wasn't used to the treatment I suppose. I buckled my seat belt, placed my hands in my lap and readied myself for a day I was in no way prepared for. I didn't want to do this, I knew that now. But now, it was too late to go back.

I suppose I could have said something. 'Actually, I don't feel like going anywhere' 'my leg really hurts, I think I should stay home' anything, really, lame or not they probably would have let me stay. But as every second passed by it seemed less and less possible to me.

Duo walked around the car and got into the seat next to mine; instead of taking the passenger side seat in the front. It was thoughtful of him I suppose, but I wish he had sat up there. I didn't want to be near anyone right now. I felt like a disease in a way I suppose. Of course I'm sure if he had sat in the front I would have felt neglected, but then I'd at least has a reason, however small and pathetic, to feel to isolated. Or rather a wanting to be isolated.

I turned my body as much towards the window as I could without looking obvious and let my mind drift as we passed by building after building. Why could I never say no? I always seem to get stuck doing things I don't want to, because I can't say no. I have to do it, maybe to prove something. But to who? I gave up on myself a long time ago, so what does it matter anymore? Maybe for Duo. I always seem to want to be at my best around him, but I only seem to be failing, quite miserably I might add, if that's the case.

The longer I watched things zoom by in the window the more I wanted out. The air around me seemed to be getting thicker and thicker to the point that I could hardly breath. The blurred shapes of trees, people, and buildings were being nauseating and I want to shove my head in a toilet and breath in the calming scent of bleach. I couldn't think past the thought of getting out of this car. Maybe if I opened the door and rolled out, who cared if there's a semi behind us, the roll out of the car at this speed alone would probably kill me before the wheels of the semi even came close... right? Maybe if I reached up and pushed Trowa out of the way and drove the car off the road-

"Heero? Are you all right? You look a little pale..." I felt like I jumped a foot in the air when he snapped me back into reality with his question. But it doesn't matter; he doesn't really care anyway. He never did. He's just doing this out of pity. Yes, pity, that stupid fucking emotion. I hate it, and I hate you, Duo, for giving me your damned pity. I don't want it, and I sure as hell didn't ask for it. "Heero?" Damn, I've been staring...

"Hn."

Turning back to the window I almost immediately looked down again as the blurred world went straight to my stomach. I left out a deep breath as Trowa took a turn into the parking lot of a mall. Then Dread started to take over. I didn't want to be in a mall. Not with all those people, not with my leg hurt this badly, having to rely on Duo or Trowa for support, I didn't want to be here. I want to go home, I want to lock myself up in my apartment. I don't want to be here, I want to leave, and I want to leave now.

"You ready Heero?" Duo had opened the car door on my side, when he had gotten out himself I don't know, and was holding his hand out to me. My mind went blank as I just stared at his hand. How could I leave, what could I say? I don't want to be here!

Instead I reached out and grabbed his hand and allowed him to pull me up into a standing position, holding my arm over his shoulder we began walking towards the mall's main entrance. I didn't want people looking at me. Already I could feel at least 10 stares; I wanted to kill them. Find them all and rip out their eyes just so that I would no longer have to feel their stares on me any longer. Putting as much weight as I could muster on my leg I pushed away from Duo. I didn't want people staring, so I needed to draw less attention to myself. If I really tried, remembered my training, I was sure I could pull off making it look like I wasn't hurt.

"You ok Heero?" I gave Trowa my best glare and walked as steadily as I could towards the doors. Opening them I walked inside, nearly vomiting as I did. The stench of food assaulted my nose almost immediately, it seemed as though there were hundreds of people jammed into the large room, all shouting to be heard above the other to the person just next to them, stuffing their mouths with food, wiping spills off their shirts and tables. Others who were bored with their conversations looked up at me, as I was something new to the room, perhaps something of interest. I quickly put on a dark glare for the entire room and started to make my way though the long isle that was filled with people waiting to make their orders. I could feel Trowa and Duo walking behind me so I didn't stop.

I nearly lost it every time a small child ran out in front of me and just stopped, not moving or even looking scared until their mother came and dragged them off, scolding them for not watching were they were going. It never once occurred to me to be jealous that they had a mother to scold them until Duo started talking about how he had always wished for someone to do such a thing for him when he was that small. I didn't understand why. When I was living with Odin Lowe punishment was the last thing I ever wanted. Many times it was rather hard to move the next day.

"Heero, you wanna go to the pet store? It's on the left and a little ways down the hall once we leave the food court."

"Hn." As long as it gets me out of this damned place...

I ground my teeth together as a child ran into my leg, jolting my wound and nerves to the point where my leg almost gave out. I glared at the child and walked a little faster as he cried out and ran off to him mother. I turned left and kept walking, ignoring Duo's laughter at the child's predicament. Seeing the pet store I walked towards it, but stopped abruptly when I walked inside. The smell here was worse than the food court. I didn't remember Quatre's dogs smelling this badly. As Duo moved forward to look at the rabbits and Trowa walked to the back of the store to look at the reptiles I tried to level my breathing. I don't want to throw up, I won't...

"Is there something I can help you with sir?" My eyes snapped open as I looked at the woman who was currently on shift. Or more precisely, I looked at the cog in her arms. My mind raced as a painful memory of a young girl and her dog dying because of my spiked to the surface of my thoughts.

"I- I have to go." I walked out as quickly as I could without hurting my leg and back towards the food court where I knew there was a bathroom. Unfortunately for me it was near the center on the right side. Squeezing through the different occupied tables I managed to make it to the bathroom with only two run ins of small confused children. Limping up to a stall I let my legs give out once inside. Leaning my head into the bowl I relaxed my body and let myself vomit the little amount of food I'd eaten. Flushing the toilet once I had caught my breath and wiped my mouth I sat down on the toilet seat and shut the door with my foot. I leaned my head back, relishing the cool tiles of the bathroom wall. Breathing deeply I let my eyes close, trying to dull all my senses, to just let go and rest for a little while.

I was starting to truly feel calm when a gruff voiced asked rather loudly "Hey, you got any paper in there?"

I jumped, startled, my head banging rather hard back into the tile wall and coughed as spit lodged into the back of my through as I sucked in air. Grabbing the toilet paper dispenser I ripped it off the cubicle wall and tossed it into the mans stall. Banging open the door of my stall I walked out of the cool room glaring for all I was worth.

"Well, fuck that idea."

Walking out of the food court this time I was much less patient, simply pushing them away or bumping them off when anyone got caught in my path. I didn't care about being rude, they were going to end up touching me no matter what, might as well get them out of the way before they can talk to me while their at it.

Turning right at the end of the food court I walked until I saw a map. Looking at the list of things I began to wonder what the point in all this was. Suddenly an idea occurred to me, Duo and Trowa weren't here, I could do anything I wanted. But once again the question of why came into mine. Seeing a Walgreen's on the map I decided to head there, perhaps I could get some blades without anyone knowing.

Suddenly guilt welled up in my thought. I stopped and leaned against a wall. Even if it is Pity my 'friends' are trying to help and I'm thinking about getting new blades. But then again the sharp sting as a new blade slices through skin and blood balls up and swells out of a new cut seems very appealing right about now...

Pushing my thoughts aside I walked down the halls in the order I saw in the map until I reached the store. Walking up and down random isles thinking of reasons why I should and shouldn't do this circling my head. Finally walking down the isle I needed I stopped in front of the hardware blades. Staring wantonly at the beautiful metal as it glinted in it's packaging from the florescent store lighting. Reaching forward I decided, I'll get them, I just won't use the. Right. Yeah, Have them and not use them, at least not unless absolutely necessary.

Grabbing tow packages I looked at them for a moment, sliding one up my shirt as I put the other back. Walking up and down a few more isles I soon left once my leg started throbbing along with my heart. Walking, while also starting to limp slightly, I made my way outside. Looking around and not seeing and cameras, security guards, duo or Trowa I took the package out of my sleeve and out them into my back pocket.

"Hey, were those blades?"

I looked up glaring at the boy who's come up to me. He was slightly shorter them me, wearing baggy pants and a stripped long sleeve shirt with a black T-shirt over it. He had an interested smile, and seemed very friendly. How disgusting. "Hn."

I started to walk away when the boy grabbed my arm. I flinched as he fingers squeezed and pulled around the healing cuts to get my attention back. "Hey man, no problem here, I like blades, a bit of a masochist myself, ya know? I'll make ya deal, you give me a blade, and I give you the rest of my cigarettes here, hm?"

Looking at the half empty package I contemplated his offer. Pulling out the package I opened it and took on the three blades out and handed it to him while grabbing the carton. Walking towards the cemented garden bed lining the wall I sat on the edge of it. Turning the carton upside down I let the lighter slide out an smacked a cigarette out. Putting the carton into my other back pocket I lit the stick and took in a long drag.

Dr. J would have killed me. I stared coughing at the smoke assailed my lungs. Why did I want to trade him? What was the point of getting these? Looking at the stick in my hand as my breathing evened out again I raised it to my lips again and inhaled. This time tears came to my eyes as the coughing started. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity that kept me puffing away at the cigarette. I knew it was a bad habit, but I didn't care. I wanted it. Perhaps it was my revenge for my 'friends' trying to get me to stop cutting.

Either way when I had finished the stick and was contemplating getting another out Duo ran out of the doors calling my name in relief. "We've been looking all over for you Heero! Why did you leave the pet store?"

"I needed to sit down, I guess." I didn't bother looking at him as I spoke. Duo began to ramble on about how they had walked all over the mall looking for me; how when they had asked one woman if she had seen someone with my description she had gone on a rant about her child ending up with a scraped knee in the food court. I tuned him out and nearly fell off the side of the garden bed when something very sharp landed on my lap.

No, scratch that, they were just the claws that were sharp. It seemed Trowa had dropped a small kitten on my lap, the little thing hadn't yet figured out it had sharp little blades on it's feet apparently. Oh well, I sure as hell don't mind a little pain once in a while.

"We thought you could use a new friend, isn't she cute? What are you gonna name her?" Looking up at Duo's innocent face and then back down at the now purring kitten I could only be glad they didn't get a dog.

TBC


End file.
